Hairy
Blabber ™
…. And his worthless adventures
With his stupid friends
By yours truly-
Vibhu M. Bajpai Legal crap(trust me, it’s necessary)
This Document is Written by me, and “only” by me. the recreation of this document shall lead to unimaginable circumstances for the victim found doing so. All the charecters and events of the following story are really, realy, and really purely co-incidential. do not attempt to copy these scenes as they may, and they will surely, be harmful to you and others around you.
And yes, Don’t try this at home, or there’ll be problems.
Note
The following story contains scenes and gestures that may be really unsuitable to you. You might jump with rage or go mad if you’re a REAL harry potter lover. if you are reading this script then be sure you are doing it at great personal risk. do not tell me later that i’m …well…..bad.
You MUST agree to the above mentioned terms and service.
If NO, just leave this script! don’t touch it! give it back to me!
If YES, have a Good time & go ahead.
The Boy who did
Hairy Blabber was an unusual boy in many ways (not that it was his mistake, actually….. it was their mum and dad’s mistake to leave him). Hairy’s pair-rents had died when he was a child. He was told that they were killed watching a soap opera – “Where are the wives?” Hairy was then left at the doorstep of his only living relatives, his aunt and uncle, The Barsleys.
The Barsleys were hell. Aunt Lolunia was a slim-trim, long-necked lady who always kept craning her neck to spy on her neighbors. Uncle Vermin was a bushy-beard man; his head was as bushy as his beard. They both had a son who was a complete @#%^$!# and an ugly git called Lodley. Lodley was extremely fat and none of the pants for the school uniform fitted his buttocks. Yet, Lodley was a hero in his parents’ eyes as they said that Lodley had an unusual talent that none could discover. Enough of this crap! Onto the story then.
On Hairy’s eleventh birthday, some fat, old guy called Hafwid came up to Hairy’s home and he puked all over. Man! He was disgusting. He told Hairy that his pair-rents Thames and Chilly Blabber were actually wizards and witches, so Hairy was one too and he was chosen to study for Hogwash school of Witchcrap and Wizard-dry. Harry found out that he had actually been left at the doorstep of these Muddles (non-magic people) by Alpuss Bumblebore, the Headmaster of Hogwash and one of the greatest wizards of all time. Hairy’s pair-rents had been actually been murdered by Lord Valumart (original name Terry Mothtumor Puddle).
Biography of Lord Valumart
Less than 1/3 as smart as h thinks he is, Valumart is evertheless the ultimate Dork wizard. "He-Who-Smells" killed Hairy's parents by crashing into their enchanted VW minibus, and in the interest of consistency, he spends a great deal of time trying to kill Hairy.
Lord Valumart relies heavily on anagrams to mask his schemes, many of which involve peddling magical goods to the Muddle world. He began Valumart Enterprises with his invention of Muzak. He has written an autobiography, Cheaters Prosper!
(Courtesy- Merlin’s Manual for Fixing Major Magical Mishaps -- also called the "M5F2," this reference book can be found in every magical home)
Lord Valumart killed Hairy’s pair-rents and was about to kill Hairy when his curse backfired and he was left half-dead on the spot. It is said that he escaped.
Hairy at Hogwash
Hairy went to Hogwash school where he made friends with Lon Meesley, a red-haired, poor family boy who was very scared of spiders, and Ermine Stranger, who was a muddle-born girl. Ermine was very clever and a great companion of Hairy too. Believe me, if I were to trust any person in the story for my car keys, it would be Ermine. Hafwid had also given Hairy Earwig, a bitchy, smoking-addicted white owl that you could smell coming whenever you sat on Hairy’s bed.
Hairy found out that there were four houses at Hogwash. Students were sorted into the houses by the Picking Cap, a drunken and irresponsible tattered cap which was a usual case for bribery. The four houses were- Grittyfloor, Pufnstuff, Radishgnaw and Silverfish. Each of the houses marked a quality in them. Grittyfloor house was a symbol of cowardice, Pufnstuff for obesity, Radishgnaw for stupidity and Silverfish for a bunch o’ duffers.
When the Picking Cap was placed on Hairy’s head, it commented that Hairy was very hairy as usual, and it also said the he had not shampooed for a long time as there was a lot of dandruff (though I am not denying the fact that the cap too was smelling badly, giving a mixed smell of wine and earwax, which smelled like rotten eggs). And then Hairy was
like, “Hey! Thanks for reminding me, I bet I would have gone on for months if you hadn’t reminded me.” The Picking Cap wanted to drink more Slugbear but Hairy told it that he wanted to go in Grittyfloor as he was a bloody coward. The Cap came back into its senses at last and put Hairy in Grittyfloor. Hairy found out later that Lon and Ermine had too been sorted into Grittyfloor.
The classes began next day and Hairy found out all about the teachers in the staff. There was Professor Bumblebore, the Headmaster who spent most of time in his secretly monitored chamber in the dungeons where many operations are held during night-time. Professor Minolta McGoogle, the Transfiguration teacher and also the Head of Grittyfloor house. She is also the Deputy Headmistress and is rumored to be one of the people who dwell at Bumblebore’s chamber at night. Professor Sinatra, an Astronomy professor with possible Mafia connections and a definite way with the ladies. Professor Severe Snipe, the constantly tormented, and consequently quite churlish Hogwash Professor of Notions. He is also Head of Silverfish House, but he's just doing this to increase the amount of his eventual pension. Madame Puppy Pommefritte, the school nurse and unquestioned fuhrer of the Hogwash Infirmary. A genius with animal parts, she's not above selling students a suck of laughing gas for a Gallon. Madame Cooche, whom I know nothing about but a second-year boy was kind enough to tell me. “Hogwash's permanently concussed, confused Quiddit instructor. She habitually seduces seventh-year athletes, with less and less success every year,” he said. Well thank you Johnny. Hafwid, who was Hogwash’s big, alcohol-sodden, half-giant gamekeeper. Extremely foul-mouthed, but got away with it because nobody could ever tell what the hell he was saying. He wrote a book called How To Survive Being Shat Out of a Bloody Great Dragon.
Hairy found a great deal about Quiddit, an ancient, violent, yet still beloved game where wizards and witches fly around on mops trying to put a ball through a hoop. There was also a variant called "Extreme Quiddit," which was even more stupid and lethal. Hairy was selected as Seeker for the House team.
Hairy found out about the Philosopher’s Scone, a mystical baked good which imbues the eater with eternal life. Sought for centuries, it was found in an abandoned bakery in Bangor. While locked within Bumblemore's desk, a mouse took a nibble and is now Messiah of the Hogwash vermin. Hairy saved it from the evil hands of Valumart.
Hairy Blabber
And the Philosopher’s Scone
The boy who lived, dudes
Bumblebore: It’s much much better to start off a best selling septology in the dark…which is why I have this lighter…McGoole: Bumblebore might be cool but I bet he can’t do this…*Transform*Bumblebore: You wish you had my mad skills Minerva…you’ve kicked less $%& in like 100 years than Hairy Potter has in a few months.McGoole: Hey where is that kid?Bumblebore…McGoole…Hafwid: I’ve got him! Tried to sell him on EBay, but no one would place a bid for him. You know, in the half an hour it took me to fly here on this rather curious motorcycle, me and Hairy have really bonded and no, I don’t feel any shame in crying about it.Bumblebore: For someone so damn large you sure have a weak constitution…Minerva: Wtf….Albus? This kid has got a jacked up forehead…Bumblebore: Oh don’t worry about that, that lightning scar is just a plot symbol that the whole story is based around. Fair-the-well Hairy! Hope you don’t mind living in hell for the bulk of your youth.Hairy: My life is full of misery; my parents died in a car crash, I live with the most abusive
family in this stuck up neighborhood, my hair needs serious conditioning and the worst part is: I bet there is no loop hole in my past that will come to the surface and make my life worth living…*sigh*Lodley: *Holds the record for being the most obese spoiled brat in the world.*Vermin: Listen here buddy, not that there is anything peculiar about you, but if we take you to the zoo and you do something – generally speaking of course –… magical… were sending you straight home and locking you up without meals.Hairy:…um…okay…??Lodley: Gah! Why won’t this snake move?!Snake: Maybe because it thinks you’re a blubbering idiot…Hairy: Funny, I didn’t think snakes spoke human…do you do that a lot?Snake: Wow kid, you’re probably stupider than the guy who put me in this cage.Hairy: So do you think that this is a sign that I might be cooler then everyone thinks?Snake: I think it might be a sign that you’re a freak, but you won’t get into that till your second year at-…never mind.Hairy: Huh. I seemed to have made the glass disappear with my mind…that’s not too unordinary…right?Lolunia: OMGHOWDIDTHATHAPPEN?!?!?! (Oh wait…I know EXACTLY how it happened but I’m too ashamed to admit it so I’ll just freak out to cover it up…)Snake: See ya s******!Vermin: Didn’t we go over this magic thing before we came?!?! Back to the cupboard with you boy!Hairy: *Checks Mail* hmm…bills…coupons…Hogwash Letter...magazine subscription...wait a sec…Hog-what-now?Vermin/Lolunia: Oh shit…here we go…Hairy: Anyone care to explain why someone with a hog is writing to me in green calligraphy?Vermin: It’s probably just the cable company…Hairy: oh, does this mean were getting MTV?Letters: *multiply*Hairy: The cable company sure does like me…Vermin: Okay time to act drastically on impulse, let’s move to an isolated island in the middle of the ocean! The Next GodzillaHairy: Maybe if I just get through this miserable abusive life I’ll be reincarnated as a famous powerful wizard…Hafwid: HI THERE!Hairy: That was easy…Hafwid: How would you like me to take you on a glorious adventure where you’ll learn to do crazy magic stuff and battle dark wizards?Hairy: Is this the pivotal part in the story where my horrible life all of a sudden gets better?Hafwid: No. Not Really, it seems great now but your life pretty much just gets worse after this.Hairy: I’ll take my chances.Hafwid: This is Professor Quirrel Hairy; he’ll be attempting to murder you at least three times this year. And here’s a butt load of other people who think you’re a saint. Hairy: Why do so many people like me?Hafwid: Shh! I need concentration to move these bricks.Hafwid: lets get some money…and some elixir of life…I mean *cough* just money.Hairy: What’s that?Hafwid: What’s what?Hairy: That!Hafwid: What?Hairy: That bag!Hafwid: What bag?Hairy: Hafwid! That small bag that looks like it would fit a small scone-Hafwid: Is this your first time in a Novel or do you really not understand the concept of subtle foreshadowing?Olivander: J.K Rowling really doesn’t explain to much about my character, so I’m determined to add my two cents to the story…here take the wand that’s brother killed your parents and a hundred other innocent people, that ought to add some irony.Hairy:…thanks?Hairy: Oh um. Hafwid? Tell me again why everyone loves me?Hafwid: Long story short; Valumart killed your parents and couldn’t kill you. Who the hell knows where he is now, but don’t worry, your sure to meet him at the climax.Hafwid: So all you have to do is get on a platform that technically doesn’t exist and take a mystical train to a rather unknown destination. K bye!Hairy: Um. Hogwash, Lon & Ermine Gred: I’m Forge!Forge: I’m Gred!Mrs. Mesley: Running through solid barriers is fun and easy, you’ll need to get used to this dimension stuff because your life is going to be loaded with it.Lon: I need a famous best friend who will be loyal to me but sometimes make me insanely jealous…oh look there’s a contender!Hairy: Hi! Wanna see where I was almost murdered?Lon: Heck yes I do.Ermine: I know I’m a snot but you guys are going to need me in your club to make up for your incredibly low IQ’s.Lon: No way! Boys only! Lon: Hey where’s the giant squid?JKR: Yeah…I’d like to know that myself…Chris Columbus: It’s dead, along with peeves and a whole load of other things that weren’t cool enough to keep in the films.Malfoy: Hello Hairy, I’m your arch nemesis but hey would you like to be my friend?Hairy: Uh…I don’t hang out with bleached blondes.Malfoy: Fine. I’ll just befriend some huge kids so I can appear tough when I’m actually a cry baby…McGoole: Everyone ready to experience the most important and nerve racking aspect of coming to this school? There are four houses, if you’re cool you’ll be in Grittyfloor, if you’re smart you’ll be in Radishgnaw, if you’re a little bitch you’ll be in Silverfish, and if no one cares about you you’ll be in Puffnstuff. When you’re here your house will be like your family……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..I don’t want anyone to misbehave or you’ll lose points……………………………………….If anyone beats you, tell me. If anyone abuses you, do not abuse back….
Snipe*Out of nowhere*: Hey! McGoole, you old hag!
McGoole: Oh! You Snipe, I’ll get you. *and she chased snipe all round the dungeons until she finally exhausted*
Lon *to Hairy*: Hard to rely on that one. You just heard she said not to reply if someone abuses you, and look at her. She almost chased old Snipe down to death!
Hairy: Well, you know Snipe abused her, calling her an old hag! Now that’s got to hurt the inner feelings-
Lon: Oh Harry, you’re too soft….and an idiot. What’s wrong with saying McGoole an old hag-Mcgoole: Now quiet!Ermine: Wait…I’m smarter than anyone here, shouldn’t I be in Radishgnaw?McGoole: Oh sorry, I meant to say; you’ll be in Radishgnaw if you’re smart and NOT a member of the main Trio.
The Picking CapCap: My turn to add irony! Hmm…Hairy, you might be successful in the house where your attempted murderer reigned.Hairy: Wtf?Cap: Oh whatever, just be in Grittyfloor. ************************************Bumblebore: You and I need to have a bond of trust Hairy…Until the 5th book where I F’ up your life, that is. ***************************************Nearly Headless Nick: Despite my dangling severed head, I’d like to be treated with respect. Lon: Good thing McGoole isn’t here!McGoole: Burn.*****************************Snipe: I’m probably the most mysteriously bitter person at this school. Being as it’s the first day, I need to pick someone who I can cause eminent pain and suffering to for the next seven years…hm...Mr. Potter! Let it be known from here on out that I Cape you and anyone who graces your presence.Ermine: Is everyone clear that I know EVERYTHING?
Quidditch through the ages
Lon: Mails here.Hairy: I’ve just recently been introduced to the joys of mail, isn’t it great?Lon: Not this time, according to this; the plotline is well under way.Hairy: Vault 713…I know those numbers…maybe they were the last lotto numbers?Ermine: I can see I’m going to have my work cut out for me…Hairy: Oh wait! That was that place in that building where that guy got that bag and told me not to tell anyone about whatever was in it….Now it all makes sense.Madam Cooche: No, I’m not part Hawk.Hairy: Yes! I’ve finally found something I don’t s**k at!Ermine: There is something wrong with this broom…ehum!…Neville: Waiting for something ridiculous and painful to happen to me…oh here it comes...help!Malfoy: Being the stuck up little snot that I am, I think I’ll lure Potter into expulsion.McGoole: Oh wait I’m not going to expel you! I’m going to offer you a position as youngest seeker in a century!!!!Malfoy:…oops…Gred: Quidditch is lethal.Forge: We’ll be lucky if we keep all our limbs.Hairy: Loss of limbs? That wasn’t in the job description…Oh wait my dad did it so I guess I’ll risk my life for it too.Hairy: Looks like it’s time for suspense…Ermine: Looks like it’s time to show off…Lon: How is that different from any other time in your life?Hairy: Okay, We obviously have to go through this ominous door to avoid being caught by Filch. Oops guess we can’t.Ermine: Will have to force our way in if we want to advance the plot.Lon: Remind me why we wanted to come in here again? Is it because we wanted to be eaten? Because quite frankly, I like living.Ermine: Don’t you understand? JKR gives you clues along the story that help us to solve the overall mystery.JKR: *Beams with pride*Lon: I understand the concept, but it’s YOUR job to rationalize and MY job to flip out and provide comedic relief for the audience, get with the program Ermine.
Love is in the air
Flitwick: You may know me from my daybew in Wizard of Oz; I was a member of the Lolly Pop Guild.Lon: It’s-so-hard-to-lift-this-feather-*gasp*Ermine: Here let me help you! (Translation: Here let me rub it in your face that you’re bad at charms)Lon: Ermine is the most insensitive spastic little know-it-all I have ever had the misfortune to meet….I think I love her.Ermine: *Sob* I’ve just realized I’m an insensitive spastic little know-it-all…How will I ever attain more people skills? *Sob*Quirrel: *Causes a terrifying diversion*Kids: *Panic*Bumblebore: Don’t worry kids; this is just a tool the author is using to bring the three main kids into a friendship bond.Lon: Utto…do you think maybe Ermine is emotionally unstable right now? As much as it may appear that I don’t have a conscious…I…kinda do.Hairy: I’m up for some life saving.Troll: I’m ugly, fat, and illiterate…but at least I have this kick ass club that I can hit things with!Ermine: If anyone saves me I promise I’ll take the blame for their misdoings. Lon: To increase the “aww” factor I’m going to use the very spell that Ermine “helped” me with.Hairy: This is certainly gross…who wants troll bogeys all over their magic wand?American Viewers: Bogeys? What kind of word is that?McGoole: Five points from you Miss Granger, but ten points to Mesley and Potter…if you can’t do the math…that’s five points.Hairy: Five points, a new best friend AND a foreshadowing gash on Snipe’s leg? It’s like Christmas came early…Hairy: I know your desperate to solve the mystery Ermine but I’ve beat you to it.Snipe is trying to steal that thing from vault 713 and that’s what that dog from hell was guarding.Ermine: How did you all of a sudden get smart?JKR: Don’t worry Ermine, He’s way off.Hairy: My first Quidditch match…My conscious would normally tell me that nothing unordinary is going to happen, but judging by events in the last week or so, we should probably see at least one major plot point in this game.Hairy: *Dangles dangerously from broom*…and there it is.Lon: Let’s blame everything on Snipe because he doesn’t wash his hair.Ermine: That’s as good a reason as any.Hairy: Yes! I won AND I didn’t choke to death! Life is swelling!Hairy: Hafwid, Snipe is trying to kill me.Hafwid: Don’t be silly, Snipe came back from the dark side ages ago.Hairy: Hafwid, Snipe is trying to steal that thing you told me not to mention.Hafwid: Don’t be silly it’s guarded by one of my very lovable pets.Lon: You and I have a very different Idea of what is lovable.Hafwid: Nicholas Flamel!Ermine: Who?!Hafwid: Woopsie Dasies…look can you kids go be interrogative somewhere else?
Its Snipe, I’m sure!Lon: It’s important for you to know that I’m really good at chess because it’s actually relevant to the plot.Ermine: Merry Christmas, oh by the way you’ll need to spend your vacation looking up information in the library.Hairy: A mysterious invisible cloak from a mysteriously anonymous person…I’m not that surprised, you?Lon: Not really, but hey I bet that’ll be useful in the future books.Hairy: This book looks interesting…Book: Help! I’ve been sitting on this same shelf since the 17th century!Hairy: Ugh book! Don’t you understand sneaking around? It involves not screaming at the top of your lungs.Quirrel: What do you mean I stutter too much Severe?Severe: You know exactly what I mean Quirrel, muahahaha…Hairy: Last time I went through a mysterious door there was a three-headed dog on the other side, maybe this time there’ll be a magical mirror that shows my deepest desire...*Opens Door*…Well whadoyaknow…Lilly and James: Don’t take us seriously, were illusions and were not coming back.Hairy: Lon! Lon! Want to see the people who made me?!Lon: No, but I would like to see myself ten times more awesome then I already am.Bumblebore: Now that you know how this mirror works I’m going to move it to a place where it will ultimately serve its purpose in the climax of the film.Ermine: All that looking and the information we needed was right under my nose in this colossal book!Lon: Are you done being snobbish? Because I honestly think our chemistry would work better if-Ermine: Would you shut up? Listen it says in this book that Nicholas Flammel made the sorcerers scone and whap-do-ya-know that’s the title of this movie. Hairy: So….what…your…saying…is that…that dog…is…guarding the….Sorcerer’s… Scone?Ermine: Yes Dammit!!! Do I have to hit you over the head with this book?! God...you two had better attain more brain cells or I think I might die of frustration.Lon: We need to go ask Hafwid more prying questions. Oh look we’re just in time to catch him catching something dreadfully illegal! Hafwid: He’s not “Illegal” he’s Norbert.Hairy: Shit Hafwid, why do you do this to yourself, before we know it you’ll be bringing Giants home and keeping them in the forest.Hafwid: Giants? Now that’s just crazy….*Silence*McGoole: Double Burn.Hairy: Darn, why didn’t we use that handy dandy invisibility cloak?Ermine: Because you’re STUPID Hairy, admitting it now will save you pain later. McGoole: Alright, 150 points from Grittyfloor and detentions for all four of you.Malfoy: Um…I’m no mathematician, but I think I heard you say FOUR detentions.McGoole: Yes…You had to be out of bed to catch those who were out of bed, out of bed.Malfoy: My brilliant plan is foiled yet again by logic…
The 4-biddin’ Forest
Filch: Am I scaring you yet?Hairy: No.Filch: I’m going to hang you up by the ankles in my office! - How about now?Hairy: No.Filch: You’re going into the forest where terror reigns supreme and lives off young souls- are you scared NOW?Hairy: No.Hafwid: Why oh why did they have to take Norbert?Filch: Can you tell that Hafwid and I aren’t buddies?Malfoy: See, without my colonies I’m probably the wimpiest kid on the block.Hafwid: Someone in this forest is murdering Unicorns and sucking their blood, it’s dark and scary and, to increase the cliché, we’re going to split up.Malfoy: This is so Blair Witch…Hairy: Hey look! A hooded figure! Let’s go say hello.Malfoy: AHHHH!!!Hairy: What?HP Fans: How come Valumart/Quirrel can fly???Firenze: I’m here to save the day, but don’t tell my friends because they’ll banish me.Hairy: What was that hooded thing.Firenze: look at me…I’m harrier then Hafwid!Hairy: yeah but the hooded thing…what was it?Firenze: Oh um…I dunno probably the dark lord or something.Hairy: oh him… Hairy: It’s just occurred to me how much murder is going to be a theme in these books.JKR: Wow…caught on quicker then I expected didn’t he?Lon: *gulp* As usual I find any kind of mortal peril terrifying.Ermine: Wait it’s time for my comforting speech about how wonderful Bumblebore is.Hairy: Hang on…we may have overlooked this whole “won a dragon in a pub thing.”Hafwid: *Pipes merrily*Hairy: Um Hafwid who exactly gave you that egg?Hafwid: Um…I dunno…a hooded figure.Hairy: You’ve gotta be shitting me.Hafwid: No…why?Hairy: Well let’s face it Hafwid, you probably have the biggest mouth at Hogwash.Lon: Literally…Hairy: So what kind of important secret stuff did you tell the stranger?Hafwid: Hm. Now that I think about it I pretty much told him just about everything you need to know to steal the Sorcerer’s Stone…Life’s a bitch…Ermine: …and then you die.
The Philosopher’s SconeHairy: Professor McGoole! We’ve just completely solved the mystery and we need your help to move into the Rising Action.McGoole: Sorry I can’t help you with that one…and neither can Bumblebore because he’s conveniently absent.Hairy: Darn, why do I have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders when I’m only eleven? Oh well…time to take matters into our own hands…Lon: What else is new?Neville: I’m here to serve as a blocker to the ultimate goal of the plot.Ermine: I don’t think so…Neville: *Is stiff as a board…and a weird shade of blue*Ermine: The dog is kinda cute when it’s unconscious…*they jump through the trapdoor the devil’s snare*Lon: Thank goodness for this shrub…I mean- AHH!!! OMGIT’SCHOKINGMETODEATH!!!!Ermine: Don’t worry Lon, unlike you, I perform well under pressure.Hairy: Hey! Killer keys…and brooms to catch them…sweet.Lon: If they really wanted to keep the stone safe, then why are there so many loop holes to getting past these obstacles?Ermine: Lon if you want to reach the climax I suggest you shut it.Lon: A chess board! A giant chess board! A giant wizard chess board! I must be in heaven…Hairy: It sure is convenient that all of these challenges utilize each of our individual talents, do you think its symbolism to show that were stronger together than apart?Lon: Yeah whatever let’s play already!Lon: This is the part where I quit being whiny and start being valiant- it doesn’t last long but what’re you gonna do right?Lon: I’m in a sacrificial mood, I guess I will allow that murderous Queen to terminate me. You’d do the same for me right Hairy?Hairy: Uh…Ermine: I know I’ve been a bitch to you and Lon, and I’ll just admit it, I enjoyed it. But hey you’re a great friend so I hope you don’t die in the next scene. **************Hairy: Quirrel?!Quirrel: Yes. It was I who tried to kill you at the quidditch match. I who drank the Unicorn blood, I who gave Hafwid the dragon in the pub. Oh and the stutters….I don’t stutter.Hairy: So where’s Valumart?Quirrel: Attached to the back of my head…wanna see?Hairy: Heck yes I do.Valumart: Ah Hairy we meet at last.Hairy: Haven’t we already met?Valumart: Well yeah but not officiallyHairy: Oh OK I’m with you, go on.Valumart: Where is the stone?Hairy: Wouldn’t we all like to know.Valumart: Don’t play games with me kid. Tell me where the stone is or I’ll yell some more.Hairy: I seriously don’t have a clue where- *Sees self in mirror, feels stone in pocket*Valumart: Liar, liar pants on…never mind. Just grab him.Hairy: Huh…how strange…wherever I touch Quirrel he seems to crumble. This newfound talent is certainly more then useful.Quirrel: Maybe I should have rethought this whole possession thing.Valumart: Time to hibernate until the memory of my past self comes back next year in a diary!Bumblebore: Well Hairy, Nicholas and I had a little chat and he decided that eternal life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.Hairy: So were rid of Valumart now right?JKR: LOL!!! Good one Hairy!!!! Hahahahahhahaha…rid of Valumart…lol…. Bumblebore: No Hairy…unfortunately, if Valumart ended here the series would have no where to go.Hairy: Hm. So care explaining why I could kill Quirrel?Bumblebore: This is just a taster but it had a lot to do with your mom and love.Bumblebore: Well it certainly appears that Silverfish has won the house cup, but I like Grittyfloor better so I’m going to bend the rules a little and play favorites.Hafwid: Well I heard how you liked that crazy mirror so much so I made you a photo album so that you don’t have to stare at it anymore!Hairy: Uh…thanks!Lon: I don’t think this ending could get mushier. Hairy: I’m not going home…not really.Lon: I stand corrected.
Hairy Blabber
And and the Chamber of Secrets
Hairy: My voice has dropped…maybe everyone will take my acting seriously now! Nah…Uncle Vermin: *Signing a petition for the extermination of Owls*Dobby: I have to tell you something SOOOOOO important- but I can’t tell you- But I HAVE to tell you- But I CANT tell you!….What the hell should I do?!?!.... Oh I know! I’ll keep you in excruciating pain for the entire movie...ya…Hairy: Um…shouldn’t the British Post Office have arrested your elfish ass by now? Dobby: Hairy: Give me my letters!!!Dobby: Not unless you give me 50 pairs of miss-matched socks!Mrs. Mason: Did I mention that I have an allergic reaction to pudding? Oh- and House Elves that levitate it.Vermin: I take pleasure in pain.Hairy: So does Dobby…but let’s not get into TCAP right now...Vermin: I will now lock you in your room for the rest of eternity and rub it in your face that you don’t have a life.Hairy: Wow. There is absolutely no way out of this. Um Jo? This is where you bring out the unexpected but highly imaginative loop hole.JKR: Calm down it’s coming…Lon: Were here to bust you out of this sticky plot conflict with the most convenient resolution you’ve ever seen!Hairy: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?!Lon: Um….no.Vermin: Ahh! My torture victim is escaping! - Thank goodness for this cushiony shrub…I mean otherwise I could have never fallen out of the second story without AT LEAST a minor injury…Hairy: Whoa cool House Lon!Hairy: Whoa cool self cleaning frying pan Lon!Hairy: Whoa cool self knitting tools Lon!Hairy: Whoa cool clock R-Lon: Dude, Stop.Mrs. Mesley: These contrasting angry/nice voices are so comical! But not nearly as comical as my outfit.Mr. Mesley: So Rubber ducks...functional Yes or No?Hairy: Lon: OK so now that the (so obviously animatronics) owl has crashed into the window…where’s the real one? Mrs. Mesley: ‘Traveling by Floo Powder for Dummies’:1. Take this dust2. Climb into the fireplace 3. Shout your desired destination (With correct stress on the syllables) 4. And sit back and relax as you are engulfed by gigantic emerald flames and ashes that will take you to your specified location in mere seconds.Hairy: Seems simple enough.Hairy: Um. Where in the flip am I? Ooooo! A rotting hand!Hand: I’m soooo not alive…*Wink Wink*Audience: OMG-WTF-I-NEVER-SAW-TCAP-COMING!!!Hairy: Oh come on that was the most predictable thing so far…HP Fans: Not really Hairy, it wasn’t in the book…Hairy: Um…Hafwid? Explain your presence in this dark arts shopping center…Hafwid: Okay, some foreshadowing is put in to screw with your mind and lead you to the completely wrong conclusion! And this is one of those times….honest!Ermine: Come with me to meet the dreamiest guy in the whole entire wizarding community.Lon: *Looks up Hopefully*Ermine: *Beams at Lockhart*Lon: *Droops*Hairy: Um I don’t take pictures with anyone without my lawyer and my agent’s approval.Lockhart: I didn’t do any of the amazing things you all think I did! But aren’t I gorgeous?!
The whomping willowMalfoy: My dad hates you all!Lucious: I hate you all!Hairy: You can’t intimidate me…not even if you insult my friends without moving your lips!Lucious: You’re SO poor! But that’s not good enough for me, I want you to be poor AND possessed by the Dark Lord!Ginny: *Clueless*Lucious: Tootles! Have a blast with that secret, subtly placed diary! Tee hehehe…Ginny: *Still Clueless*Hairy: The wall is totally solid…how unlike it.Lon: *Weighs Options* Do something sensible….act on impulse and provide a thrilling scene for the audience…hmm…tough choice…Lon: You know if we hadn’t taken the car then we never would have been able to test out this invisibility booster!Hairy: Okay Jo…you’ve really over done the invisibility stuff-JKR: Shh…no I haven’t!Lon: Trains Suck.Hairy: Hanging for dear life over trains, sucks.Whomping Willow: Moving things REALLY make me uncomfortable… but I’m seeing a psychiatrist about it and after my last three appointments… I really feel like I’m improving- AHHHH!!!! FLYING CAR!!!! AHHH!! DIE!!! DIE!!!Lon: YES! Squeaky Voice time!Car: After that excitement all I want to do is go hide in the forbidden forest until you guys need me to save your lives from oh…say…a flock of giant flesh eating spiders.Snipe: I Cape you Hairy because you’re cooler than me. I Cape you Lon because you’re a natural red-head AND your dumb car ruined my favorite tree!Bumblebore: Chill out Severe. If we expel Hairy now then I won’t be able to tell him incredibly important things about his destiny, and what fun would it be if he never found out that he is either going to die at the hands of, or murder- whoops….wrong place wrong time. Just wait a few books Hairy…
Things are goin’ badHowler: I’m here to embarrass you to the max and finish by spontaneously combusting, any questions?Lon: *Shocked silence*Professor Sprout: Mandrakes are crazy and could technically kill you with their terrible high screechy voices.Class: Yay! Dirt Babies!Lawyers in the Audience: Um…do the makers of Cabbage Patch Kids know about this?Lockhart: I had this fancy stair case made special to match my outfit…you like?Ermine and Other Girls: *Sigh*Lockhart: But Defense against the Darks Arts isn’t just about glamour- there is serious stuff too…like Cornish Pixies! Too bad I don’t know too much about those. But hey the best way to learn is by setting them free on my class. Malfoy: I Cape your family and how they are completely un-magical, (For lack of a better word) Lon: If I weren’t repeatedly regurgitating slugs; I would so sue the Scotch tape company.Ermine: I will need complete silence from the crew and the audience as I attempt my first on-screen cry.Lockhart: Fan blah mail blah I’m blah so blah great blah.Hairy: Is it just me or has the lighting and music gotten darker and more mysterious? It gives me such a foreboding feeling that something really weird is about to happen.Voice: Hah! You are too damn smart for me Hairy! You saw me coming a mile away! But that doesn’t change the fact that I want to rip, tear and kill all the mud bloods in this castle.Hairy: You know what’s hilarious?Voice: What?Hairy: This one time I was at the zoo and this snake was like totally talking to me… Random shit like this ALWAYS happens to me…Voice: You were never good at connecting the dots were you?
The chamber of secretsHairy: Scary-*gasp*-phantom-*gasp*-voice! Ermine: I knew it!Lon: WTF?Lon: Don’t we have a plumber? Filch: In times of grief, people often turn and blame people against their better judgment- POTTER!!! YOU WERE THE CLOSEST TO MY CAT WHEN I FIRST REALIZED SHE’D SNUFFED IT! SO NOW I WILL KILL YOU WITHOUT ANY RATIONALIZATION IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL!Hairy: With what…Your WAND? Hahahahahahahahahahahaha FILCH IS SQUIB!!!Bumblebore: The cats not dead she’s just been petrified. We have a couple of options here… we could try and figure out what could have LOGICALLY petrified Mrs. Norris, or we can have a huge ass discussion that singles Hairy out and eventually gets us no where.Snipe: hmm…Lets go for the latter.Lon/Ermine/Hairy: *Stop dead in tracks*Bumblebore: Didjya do it?Hairy: No.Snipe: Then why were you down there?Hairy: Um, because…I…wasn’t ….hungry?Bumblebore: I actually know you’re innocent because I am super good at Legilimency and I read your mind, but since you’re not supposed to know that yet, I’m just going to make it out like I’m a highly trusting person.McGoole: I’m absolutely positive that there is NO Chamber of Secrets...But if there WERE a chamber of secrets… then supposedly the heir of Silverfish could crash there and hang with a monster…But there is NO Chamber of SecretsErmine: *Raises hand*- But professor…The TITLE of this movie is CHAMBER OF SECRETS…McGoole:*Blinks*…um…Back to transfiguration-Ermine: I realllly dislike Malfoy so let’s get dirt on him.Lon: Awesome…how though?Ermine: by concocting an extremely dangerous potion and drinking it to transform into his idiot friends of course!Dobby: Bludgers are pretty lethal as it is, but this one is gonna be CRAZY DEADLY. Hairy: Um… fowl?Lockhart: Minus Bonemus, Rubberus Armicus! Shit….Dobby: I’m sorry! But If you weren’t gonna take my warning and avoid death you must have known that I would kill you anyway right?Voice: Ew, Sewer pipes suck, but squeaky mudblood photographers are yummy!Colin: Can I have a picture Hairy?.....you’re not Hairy….Ermine: Double…Double…toil and trouble…Lon: Will this taste like butterbeer?Ermine….No.Myrtle: I’m so miserable. Life sucks.Lon: Good thing yours is over huh?Myrtle: *Moans*Hairy: You think YOU’RE miserable?! I’m accused of petrifying Mudbloods when my own flipping mother was one herself, I keep hearing this whacked out voice say how much it wants to kill and tear and whatever, I can’t get over the fact that the Picking Cap nearly put me in Silverfish and the worst part is, I bet none of this stuff is related in any way to the Chamber of Secrets.Myrtle: I think I’m in love you.Hairy: Just what I need. Lockhart: Let’s keep this civilized!Malfoy: I will now conjure a snake that serves a dual plot purpose:1. To increase the feeling of panic and mistrust among my fellow students when they find out that potter is a parslemouth.2. To really piss Potter off and make him feel even more insecure.Ermine: We really like you Hairy…Lon: *Nods*Ermine: But we just think that you’re kind of a freak, and for all we know…a descendant of the darkest wizard of all time.Nearly Headless Nick and Justin: *Are immobile*Voice/basilisk: Framing Hairy is easy and fun; all you have to do is petrify the victims and his idiotic tendencies will do the rest.Hairy: I’m caught in the act for something that isn’t my fault, and no one will listen to the truth…..The Story of My Life.McGoole: I can’t handle this irony, so go talk to Bumblebore who deals with this kind of shit all the time.Fawkes: FIRE!!!!!Hairy: I’m used to this kind of crap happening by now…Fawkes: You’d better be, because were going to be seeing a lot of each other from now on.Bumblebore: His tears can heal poisonous snake wounds, and he can also fly you out of slimy pipes. He’s ugly now, but when he saves you he’ll be pretty.Hairy: Huh? Sorry I didn’t hear you…I was just thinking about how terrible my life is.Bumblebore: Never mind, some climaxes work better when the protagonist is surprised anyway…Lon: I’m Crabbe!Hairy: I’m Goyle!Ermine: Meow- I mean- I’m not going…Malfoy: It’s funny, how you look like my friends but sound like my enemies.Hairy: No, you know what’s funny….Um… The heir of Silverfish!!!! By the way...are you???Malfoy: Not so much, but whoever they are I hope they kill Ermine.Lon: I Cape you!!!! I mean….Just kidding…Hairy: Ermine…your so much furrier then the last time I saw you…Lon: It’s…kinda…cool….Ermine: *Moan* *Sob* *Cry*
It’s just an estupido diaryHairy: What’s wrong Myrtle?!?!?Myrtle: Someone thought it was hilarious to throw a foreshadowing tool at me!Hairy: I want that!!!Diary: Indulge in my misleading pages and I will show you how one of your best friends killed a mudblood!Hairy: Revisiting memories that drastically change the plot line will always be one of my favorite hobbies.Diary: *Mislead, Mislead, Mislead*Hairy: It’s weird how I will put my trust in someone I have never met, in a diary fifty years old. Oh well….better go break the news to Lon and Ermine that Hafwid is a killer… Ermine: I’ve just figured out the entire mystery, because let’s face it, I’m the smartest of the three, but due to dramatic irony I have been petrified leaving Hairy and Lon up to the resolution of the plot…good luck with that guys…Hairy: She’s right, we ARE stupid.Lon: Sooo….what should we do?Hairy: Yell at Hafwid.Fudge: The game is up Hafwid.Bumblebore: I see London, I see France…I see Hairy and Lon under an invisibility cloak!Lon: OK he’s good at being deep and wise and all, but rhyming isn’t exactly his forte’. Hafwid: Follow the spiders! I’m pretty sure that they won’t eat you, but don’t hold me to that.Lon: I’m not following any flipping spiders!Hairy: Come on, these are the steps we need to take to achieve our ultimate goal in the story.Lon: Shouldn’t our ultimate goal be surviving?JKR: What are you new?Lon: Why couldn’t it have been follow the-Hairy: -If you finish that line I swear I’ll smack you.Aragog: Hafwid didn’t do it. And I’m not the monster. I can’t tell you what the monsters name is because that’s Ermine’s job. I will now allow my spidery friends to eat you, hence, completely defeating the purpose of your arrival and this conversation.Hairy: Um.Lon: *Whimper*Car: *Cough* HERE I AM IN THE NICK OF TIME!!!!Hairy: Huh?Car: *Cough* get in *Cough*Hairy: OOOHHH I gotcha.Car: God you’re slow.Car/Hairy/Lon/Fang: *Ride to safety*Car: Well this has been fun, but I’m way too scratched up to be re-domesticated. Hairy: Wait! Will we ever see you again???JKR: Who knows….Hairy: Ermine…Why o why did it have to be you- BASILISK!!!!!Lon: What’s that?!!!Hairy: I DUNNO! OH wait it says here that…’everything that’s happened in the story points to it being the monster.’ Lon: cool...I think…Hairy: hey! It wasn’t just random shit! It all made perfect sense, the voice, the spiders, the roosters dying-Lon: Nah, you have to watch deleted scenes to know about the roosters-Hairy: -the fact that everyone’s been petrified! It all comes down to one thing! Basilisk Basilisk Basilisk!Lon: Yeah except we still don’t know who the heir of Silverfish is…Hairy: Well DUH! We haven’t reached the climax yet!McGoole: Ginny’s been Captured! Bumblebore’s gone! And I’m the worst Headmistress EVER! I don’t have a clue what’s going on so I guess we’ll just pretend things are dandy.Lon: I feel slightly reckless.Lockhart: So do I!! Except I feel fake recklessness, so I’m just going to put on a show like I’m a hero and hitch hike out of here.Hairy: Stupid adults like you are what have driven me to be so emotional.Lockhart: …Can I leave now?Myrtle: Hairy you complete me!Hairy: Um….(Parslemouth): Open?Chamber: *Opens*Hairy: wow. Lax security…Well I think we all know where this leads, but just in case were totally wrong; lets make the guy we all Cape go first.Lockhart: Not that I don’t love slimy tunnels, but were not staying and your not gonna remember I said this. Obliviate! Tunnel: *Explodes*Lockhart: um?Lon: I LOVE scotch tape! I can’t believe I ever doubted it.Hairy: Uh…I like attention so I’m thinking I’m gonna battle this basilisk thing on my own aright?Lon: Okay! Whatever! Just don’t blame me for not helping when I’m a prefect and you’re a nothing-shit…Hairy: If I weren’t scared to death I would really appreciate this stone-work.Ginny: *lifeless*Hairy: I can’t come back without you!!!Hairy/Ginny Shippers: *On edges of their seats*Terry: Hi Hairy…Hairy: Well hey Terry! Fancy meeting you here in the chamber of secrets…Wanna help me save Ginny?Terry: I wasn’t sure before, but now I have no doubt that you really are a moron. Hairy: What? You’re not good and cool like I thought?Terry: Today Hairy, I am going to introduce you to The Anagram...JKR: Pay attention kids!Terry: TERRY MOTHTUMOR PUDDLE = I AM LORD VALUMART.Hairy: Wait! back up... back. up. You’re Valumart….Terry: Yes.Hairy: AND you’re Terry Puddle...Terry: Yes.Hairy: Both?Terry: Yes.Hairy: ……..*GASP* NO! Terry: Yes.Hairy: OK well, go on.Terry: I controlled Ginny, with the diary. Ginny petrified some kids with the basilisk and then you got the diary and here we are. Now my snake will kill you.Fawkes: Here’s a Cap and a sword. Have fun. Hairy: C’mon you have to give me more then that!Fawkes: *Blinds Basilisk*Hairy: Okay…I guess I can take it from here.Basilisk: I new I should have dumped Terry ages ago…all he ever did was get me in trouble.Hairy: How many people can say they’ve climbed all over Salazar Silverfish’s Face?Sword: *Clang* *Clash* *Swish*Audience: Does anyone else find it strange that the basilisk died from a wound in its mouth?Hairy: There’s a fang in my arm!Terry: Well that was easy enough. See you on the Dark Side of The Moon Hairy…Hairy: Hm…what shall I do with this fang…plunge it into Puddles Diary Perhaps?Terry: Maybe he’s not so dumb…Ginny: Hairy! I-It-Terry-wa-Hairy: It’s okay, I won’t be able to tell anyone you attacked muggle-borns because I’m Dying!Fawkes: I will need complete silence from the crew and the audience as I attempt my first on-screen cry…Hairy: Whoa. Thanks dude.Fawkes: Thank me at the end of the seventh book. By then I will have probably saved your butt like a billion times.Lon: Yay! My sisters back and I never had to risk my life!Hairy: Yay! I’m back with Ginny so now everyone will love me again!Lockhart: Yay!...Who am I?Bumblebore: Congratulations!!! You just broke about 1000 rules and technically I could kick you out!!!Lon/Hairy: We owe it all to Lockhart…Bumblebore…right…Hairy: Since I killed Puddle with the fang and the diary…doesn’t that make Valumart dead since they’re the same person?Bumblebore: No. Not Really.Hairy: That makes no sense…also, why did the Cap want me in Silverfish? Why can I talk to snakes?Bumblebore: Jo?… He’s asking me too many questions again…JKR: Just make up some BS about choices...I dunno…Bumblebore: Hairy it’s not our actions it’s our choices that count in life…Hairy: Yeah, but why are me and Valumart all connected and junk, why did he even wanna kill me in the first place?Bumblebore: Um…-Malfoy: Bumblebore your back!Bumblebore: Wow your timing was dead on! Coincidentally, have you ever seen this diary before?Malfoy: Pscht NO!Dobby: He’s lying!-OW-He-OW-Did-OW-it!Hairy: I don’t like you.Malfoy: Well I don’t like you.Hairy: Well FINE! It’s mutual!...by the way this belongs to you.Malfoy: *gives journal to Dobby*Dobby: Because of this moment, I will here-out and forever be obsessed with socks. Thank you Hairy Blabber! Hairy: Whatever just keep the hell away from me.Ermine: I’m conscious, so that means Hairy and Lon didn’t mess things up too bad.Hairy: We’re such good detectives Ermine! We only needed clues from you…Hafwid…The Diary…Myrtle…well…I guess a lot of people, But were still cool right?Ermine: Well you are Hairy and that’s why you get a hug. But Lon didn’t do jack-squat except complain, so he gets a pity handshake.Bumblebore: The Basilisk is dead! And Valumart is…well not dead, but not bugging us either! So everyone stand up and clap for Hafwid!Audience: Wait...how did Hafwid help? Didn’t he kinda send the kids into the spider’s lair where they were almost eaten? Bumblebore: Who cares?!! We need someone to clap for!Hafwid: Darn right you do.
Hairy Blabber
…….And the Chamber of Secrets
Some Dark Bedroom HAIRY: *plays with his wand in the middle of the night* MR. BARSLEY: Stop playing with your wand in the middle of the night, boy! HAIRY: *won't stop playing with his wand in the middle of the night* CLEO: Uh... THE LOVELY EMILY: Dude, I KNOW. Aunt Marge Comes to Visit AUNT MARGE: Carry my luggage, boy! HAIRY: ... AUNT MARGE: Clean my plate, boy! HAIRY: ... AUNT MARGE: Come back and listen to my insults, boy! HAIRY: ... AUNT MARGE: Your mother was a bitch! AUNT MARGE'S GLASS: *explodes* MR. BARSLEY: Oh, shit. AUNT MARGE: ...and your father was a drunk! HAIRY: I KEEL YOU! AUNT MARGE: *spontaneously Violet Beauregards and floats away into the sky* LODLEY: *drools* Five minutes later, Hairy stomps down with his trunk packed. MR. BARSLEY: YOU DEFLATE YOUR AUNT RIGHT NOW! HAIRY: FUCK ALL Y'ALL AND THIS POPSICLE STAND! AUNT MARGE IN THE DISTANCE: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Some Dark Street Hairy storms off into the night dragging his trunk, apparently having left his owl to the Barsleys' tender mercies. HP FANS: OMGWTFEARWIG! SOME DARK AND SCARY SWING SET: *swings* SOME DARK AND SCARY SEESAW: *saws* SOME SCARY BLACK DOG: Rrrrrr! Black dog, I'm a BLACK dog! HAIRY: Okay, maybe I didn't think this all the way through. The Knight Bus arrives, which is for some reason piloted by a legally blind man and a shrunken head. ON CRACK. Stan Shunpike heaves Hairy's trunk on board. STAN: This 'ere newspaper says-- KNIGHT BUS: ZOOM! STAN: --that Sirius Black is a psycho killer escaped from-- KNIGHT BUS: VEER! STAN: --Azkaban, the terrible prison for wizards, and is dangerous and-- KNIGHT BUS: DEATH-DEFY! STAN: --on the loose and one of You-Know-Who's most faithful supporters and probably out looking for a boy wizard to kill! HAIRY [peeling his face off the window]: You done with the trip to the Department of Back Story? STAN: Yeah, I think so. NEXT STOP LEAKY CAULDLON! The Leaky Cauldron CORNELIUS FUDGE: *has a Ministry of Magic office in the middle of a tavern for some reason* HAIRY: Earwig! You made it! EARWIG: Love you too, bitch. FUDGE: So! Hairy! Bit of illegal magic there that we usually expel students for! No worries, all cleaned up, be on your way now! HUNCHBACK: Mr. Potter! Saaanctuaaary! HAIRY: Y'all. Are such. Freaks. HUNCHBACK: ONE OF US! ONE OF US! HAIRY: *runs* Room 11, The Leaky Cauldron Fudge has helpfully bought all of Hairy's new school books. THE MONSTER BOOK OF MONSTERS: *eats Hairy's face* HAIRY: I shall stomp on you and tie you up and name you Fizgig. THE MONSTER BOOK OF MONSTERS: AHahAHahAHahAH! The Leaky Cauldron, The Next Day LON AND ERMINE: *bicker bicker Scabbers plot point bicker* WANTED POSTER: RAAAA! LOOK AT ME! I'M SO CRAZY! I'M CRAZY GARY OLDMAN! MR. WEASLEY: Hairy, there's something I'm not supposed to tell you that I've gotta tell you. HAIRY: Okay, shoot. MR. WEASLEY: Sirius Black is specifically coming to kill you. Promise me that whatever terrible and infuriating things anyone says, you won't go after him. HAIRY: Should I ask follow-up questions about this? MR. WEASLEY: Not unless you want to get down to the bottom of the mystery in the first fifteen minutes of the movie. HAIRY: Oh, okay. WANTED POSTER: SO CRAZY! The Hogwash Express MRS. WEASLEY [with Scabbers]: OMG LON! DON'T FORGET YOUR PLOT POINT! HAIRY: Guys, I have something really freaky to tell you! Shall we sit in the train car with the drunk sleeping under a coat? ERMINE: Sure, might as well. HAIRY: Rock. So, Sirius Black is coming to kill me and stuff. WINDOW: *frosts over* DRUNK'S BOTTLE: *freezes* LON: OMG we're going into a new ice age! Everybody start burning books! SCARY SHRIVELED HAND: *pulls open door* DEMENTOR: SHIIIIIRE.... BAAAAAGGINS.... KIDS: AHHHHHHH! DEMENTOR: *dements* HAIRY: *pitches a spaz* LON AND ERMINE: Help! Somebody help! DRUNK: ... LON AND ERMINE: SOMEBODY HELP, GODDAMMIT! GO DEMENT THE DRUNK OR SOMETHING! DRUNK LUPIN [leaping up]: I am no drunk! I am your pitifully mysterious new professor who takes his sweet-ass time coming to the aid of his new students! BACK, YOU DEVIL! DEMENTOR: *flees* LUPIN: Here, eat this chocolate. Great Hall, Hogwash GROOVY NEW BUMBLEBORE: Many thanks to the Richard Harris Memorial Toad Choir for that lovely performance. Greetings, salutations, and what up: I will be your new Bumblebore this year, which I'm sure will be fabulous despite the presence of a few hundred undernourished ring wraiths on the premises. Hafwid will be taking over the Care of Magical Creatures class despite having no teaching credentials whatsoever, and also, we have a new teacher, Professor Lupin, to fill our cursed Defense of the Dark Arts spot. Good luck making it through the year alive, Remus! SNIPE: *gives Lupin the stink-eye* LUPIN: Oh, I feel at home already. Grittyfloor Boys' Dormitory The boys eat candy, roar like wild animals, and have a pillow fight. DEMENTOR FLOATING AROUND HOGWASH: I think I saw a porno like this once. Divination Class TRELAWNEY: Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! There is totally a big scary black dog following you! HAIRY: You get paid for this? LON: Ermine! When'd you get here? ERMINE: Pshhhh, I was here the whole time. Also, this class sucks. Which I know, because I was here the whole time. My Ancient Runes class is a lot better. LON: Wait a minute... aren't Runes and Divination at the same time? ERMINE: ...Yes. LON: So how are you taking two classes at once? ERMINE: I'm not, stupid. LON: Except... for the part... where you totally are...? ERMINE: ... Care of Magical Creatures Class LON: Wow, Hafwid's hut is in a totally different location than it used to be. ERMINE: Seriously, what up with that? LON: AHHHH! YOU! WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? HAFWID: Since Hairy has the most experience dealing with weird shit, he can go first. Bow to the nice horsy bird, Hairy. BUCKBEAK: *snuffle squawk gnash snort RAAAA!* ERMINE: *grabs Lon's hand* LON/ERMINE SHIPPERS: YAY! LON AND ERMINE: COOTIES! AHHHHH! After flirting with feathery death for a few minutes, Hairy wins the hippogriff's respect and gets an impromptu flight around Hogwash. HAIRY: WOOOOOOOOO!!!! HALF THE AUDIENCE: He's KING OF THE WOOOORLD! CLEO: *eye roll* HALF THE AUDIENCE: Okay, you think of a better joke. CLEO: ... DRACO: OUTTA MY WAY, PLEBE, IT'S MY TURN ON THE HORSYBIRD! BUCKBEAK: *administers a two-hoof beatdown* DRACO: *cries for Daddy* HAFWID: Lord. Tell Madam Pomfrey to pull out the smelling salts, I gotta bear Miss Malfoy here off to the fainting couch. DRACO: Faster, plebe! I do believe I have the vapors! Defense of the Dark Arts Class LUPIN: All right, dementors s***, and I still can't figure out why they're picking on teenage kids who don't look anything like Crazy Gary Oldman, so we're going to learn about boggarts and how to laugh at them. Line up! MUSIC: *is madhat* LUPIN: So, Neville, what are you afraid of? NEVILLE: Everything? LUPIN: Besides that? NEVILLE: Professor Snipe. LUPIN: Snipe it is then! Make your fears funny and therefore harmless! NEVILLE: *changes Snipe into Drag Queen Grandma Snipe* DRAG QUEEN GRANDMA SNIPE: RUNS in my STOCKINGS? FIFTY POINTS FROM GRITTYFLOOR! LON: *changes giant spider into giant roller-skating spider* PARVATI: *changes a snake into a GIANT SCARY CLOWN JACK-IN-THE BOX* HAIRY: Dude, you're not helping. LUPIN: Go on, Hairy! I'm sure none of the things you've witnessed in your life would give the other students heart attacks at all! HAIRY: *conjures a dementor* LUPIN: AHHH! CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL! Some Really Long Bridge on the School Grounds That Didn't Exist Before This Movie Everyone else has gone to Hogsbleed. Hairy can't, because the Barsleys suck.. LUPIN: So I knew you'd conjure something terrifying, which is why I stopped you. HAIRY: Except that... you totally didn't. LUPIN: Whatever. My point is, I thought you'd choose Valumart for your turn. HAIRY: Well, then, that makes letting me have a whack at the boggart really stupid, now, doesn't it? LUPIN: ... HAIRY: ... LUPIN: Here, eat this chocolate. You know, you look a lot like your father. Except that you have J.K. Rowling's eyes. HAIRY: Awww, thanks. The Portrait Gallery THE FAT LADY: OMG MY PORTRAIT HAS BEEN SLASHED! DEFILED! THE SHAME! MCGOOLE: Sirius Black was trying to get to Hairy Potter and kill him! SCABBERS THE RAT: *looks away, whistling* BUMBLEBORE: All right, everyone in the Great Hall for a sleepover! FILCH: I think I saw a porno like this once. Defense Against the Dark Arts Class SNIPE: EVERYONE SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE GODDAMN HELL UP. CLEO: Dude, this is so totally how I would teach a class. HAIRY: Where's Professor Lupin? SNIPE: MOONING AROUND somewhere, I'm sure. In other news, today's lesson is on WEREWOLVES. Can anyone enlighten the audience on the difference between a WEREWOLF and an animagus? ERMINE: Yes! A werewolf can't help changing into an animal and doesn't remember who he is, while an animagus chooses to change and can control himself. SNIPE: Correct. FIVE THOUSAND POINTS FROM GRITTYFLOOR! ERMINE: I--but the--adda--wibba-- SNIPE: I want two rolls of parchment on WEREWOLVES by tomorrow, including what WEREWOLVES look like, how to detect WEREWOLVES in the faculty of a British boarding school for wizards, and the definition of the Latin word "lupus." CLASS DISMISSED! CLASS: *grumble grumble homework grumble* DRACO (writing): Mr. Hairy Potter Draco Potter Draco Malfoy-Potter Mr. and Mr. Malfoy-Potter DRACO/HAIRY SHIPPERS: YAY! DRACO: *crumples up paper, starts over, sends over Origami Crane of Pigtail-Pulling* THE NOTE: Dear Potter, HA HA! EVERYONE ELSE: *leaves* SNIPE [shouting after them]: WEREWOLVES WEREWOLVES WEREWOLVES! Apparently the Only Quidditch Game Played at Hogwash This Year THE RAIN: *is torrential* HAIRY'S GOGGLES: *are sporty* OLIVER WOOD: *is not there* HP FANS: *grumble grumble like to polish his Biggerstaff grumble* Hairy ends up chasing the Snitch up into the stratosphere, where the Dementors show up, start dementing, and sucking Hairy's face until he falls off his broom and plummets to earth in front of several hundred shrieking spectators. BUMBLEBORE: THIS IS NOT GROOVY AT ALL! The Infirmary HAIRY: What happened? LON: You fell a hundred feet and nearly died but Bumblebore, like, caught you with his mind or something. HAIRY: THE GAME, Lon. ERMINE: Uh...wekindalostdontblameyourselfHairy. HAIRY: Well, shit. Could things get any worse? LON: Funny you should say that. HAIRY'S BROOM: *is dead from tree* Hairy and Lupin Take a Stroll Through the Woods LUPIN: So... that bit about your broom sucks. HAIRY: Tell me about it. LUPIN: Here, have some chocolate. Some Snowy Courtyard Hairy mopes around in his invisibility cloak, trying to sneak off to Hogsbleed, but the Mesley twins catch him. GRED: Merry Christmas! FORGE: Have a party! HAIRY: It's... GRED: An invisible map FORGE: to go with your cloak! GRED: It has all FORGE: the secret passages! HAIRY: WOOT! The Shrieking Shack, Hogsbleed ERMINE: You wanna come closer? LON: Ew, you have cooties! ERMINE: To the Shack. LON: The Shack also has cooties! DRACO: Mesley and the Mudblood, sitting in a tree! DRACO'S CAP: *sneers furrily* CRABBE AND GOYLE: HA HA! INVISIBLE HAIRY: *wreaks snowy vengeance* DRACO: *runs off crying for Daddy* The Three Broomsticks, Hogsbleed Invisible Hairy overhears his name and follows Fudge, McGoole, and Madame Rosmerta into the Three Broomsticks. THE AUDIENCE: Hey! It's Brad Pitt's goddess mom! Hi, Brad Pitt's goddess mom! What are you the goddess of this time? MADAME ROSMERTA: Back story. So, Minerva, what’s up with Hairy and Sirius Black? MCGOOLE: Well, you'll never believe it, but Sirius Black is actually Hairy's godfather because he was the Potters' best friend but he totally sold them out to You-Know-Who and now he wants to kill Hairy. MADAME ROSMERTA: It couldn't possibly have anything to do with the mysterious nine-fingered death of Peter Pettigrew, could it? MCGOOLE: Shpfff, of course not. Snowy Glade of Teenage Weeping, Hogsbleed NO-LONGER-INVISIBLE HAIRY: OMG HE WAS THEIR FRIEND! I KILL YOU DEAD, SIRIUS BLACK! ERMINE: I would give you a comforting hug, but... y'know, the cooties. HAIRY: S'aright. I have to practice my teenage rage for the next two movies anyway. Lupin Teaches Hairy Extremely Advanced Magic He Couldn't Possibly Learn at This Age LUPIN: So. The better the memory, the better the Patronus. Go! DEMENTOR-IN-A-BOX: RAAAAAA!! HAIRY: *falls over* LUPIN: No dice, Frodo. Think of something better. HAIRY: Well... I have this memory... actually it wasn't a very happy memory, and really it wasn't even a memory, it was just something I saw in a magic mirror, but... LUPIN: Go! HAIRY: *produces a giant shield of light* LUPIN: Wow! You held off a fake Dementor with a fake memory! Let's just assume that’ll work with a real one! Somewhere on the School Grounds LON: YOUR CAT ATE MY RAT AND I CAPE YOU! ERMINE: MY CAT DID NOT EAT YOUR RAT AND I CAPE YOU! HAIRY: Y'all, get a room or something. Hafwid! What’s wrong? HAFWID (sniffling): Buckbeak was SET UP and Draco is a LIAR and his father is a BAD BAD MAN and now Buckbeak is going to DIE! THE KIDS: Oh no! HP FANS: WAHHHHH! HAIRY: Dude, nothing's even happened to Buckbeak yet--what’s wrong with you guys? HP FANS: You keep talking about Luscious Lucius Malfoy and then we don't even get to see him! HAIRY: ... Grittyfloor Boys' Dormitory LON [in his sleep]: Spiders...spiders! Spiders want me to tap-dance and I don't wanna tap-dance, Hairy! HAIRY [looking up from map]: You tell those spiders, Lon. NOTHING: *is funnier than that line* HAIRY [looking back at map]: "Peter Pettigrew," WTF? LON [in background]: Spiders... noooo... spiders... the centaurs have my money, please don't make me tap-dance.... Somewhere in the Hall Outside the Dormitory PETTIGREW: *comes closer on the map* HAIRY: *sees no one* PETTIGREW: *comes closer on the map* HAIRY: *sees no one* PETTIGREW: *comes closer on the map* HAIRY: *sees no one* PETTIGREW: *OMGSOCLOSE* HAIRY: NO ONE IS HERE! SNIPE: POTTER! HAIRY: AHHHH! SNIPE: Hand it over. REVEALUS SECRETUS! THE MAP: Messrs. Moony, Padfoot, Wormtail and Prongs kindly ask you to kiss this map's ass. SNIPE: FIVE MILLION POINTS FROM GRITTYFLOOR! LUPIN: Hi, I'll take that. Take your greasiness back to bed plzkthnx. SNIPE: *sour face* SOUR FACE: *looks like this: (X^( * Moony's Lupin's Office LUPIN: OH MY GOD TRAIPSING AROUND A DARK CASTLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH A MAP TCAP SHOWS ANYONE INCLUDING THE GUY WHO WANTS TO KILL YOU HOW TO FIND ANYONE INCLUDING YOU ARE YOU STUPID? HAIRY: *hangs head* LUPIN: Oh, what the hell. Have some chocolate. Divination Class TRELAWNEY: Ooooo, ahhhhhh, I see lots of skepticism in your future, Miss Granger. Also, a book will be your date to the prom. ERMINE: FUCK YOUR COSMIC SHIT! HAIRY AND LON: *back away slowly* CRYSTAL BALL: *also backs away slowly* HAIRY: Oh, hell, I'd better go take the crystal ball back to Professor Trelawney. CRYSTAL BALL: Haaaairry... Haaaaairry... HAIRY: AHHH! Get out of my school supplies, Crazy Gary Oldman! TRELAWNEY: TONIGHT THE DARK LORD'S SERVANT WILL RETURN TO HIS MASTER AND DEATH WILL STALK US ALL! HAIRY: AHHHHHHHHHHH! TRELAWNEY: What? I said "Thanks for bringing back my crystal ball." HAIRY: *runs for his life* Rocks of Gigantitude Draco Malfoy and his two goons congratulate themselves on getting Buckbeak sent to the big pumpkin patch in the sky. ERMINE: I KEEL YOU! DRACO: *cries* LON AND HAIRY: He's not worth it, Ermine! DRACO: HA H-- ERMINE: *punches Draco* DRACO'S HEAD: *bounces off the rock with a beautiful THUNK* CLEO AND THE LOVELY EMILY: YAY! LON: I think I love you. Hafwid's Hut of Gigantitude HAFWID [sniffling]: I can't believe they're gonna execute Buckbeak for laying the smackdown on Malfoy! Come on! We've all wanted to do that! THE KIDS: Aww, it's terrible, poor Buckbeak, really, it'll be all right, etc. HAFWID: Oh, by the way, Lon, I found your plot point. Looks like Ermine's cat didn't eat him after all. A STONE: CRASH! ANOTHER STONE: THUNK! HAIRY: Ow! What the hell was that? ERMINE: Bumblebore and Fudge and the executioner guy are coming! Run! Hafwid's Pumpkin Patch of Gigantitude LON: Isn't there anything we can do? HAIRY: Doesn't look like it. SOMETHING: *rustles in the bushes behind them* ERMINE: What was that? HAIRY: Nothing, just a plot point. Come on, we've got to get out of here! Hilltop of Hippogriff Sorrow EXECUTIONER: *chops something off-screen* PEOPLE WHO DON'T READ THE BOOKS: OMGWTFHORSYBIRD! THE KIDS: *hug threesomely* ALFONSO CUARӎ: I think I directed a porno like this once. SCABBERS: LON! I BITE YOUR THUMB AT YOU! LON: AHHHHHH! COME BACK, SCABBERS! The Whomping Willow LON: Scabbers! There you are! What are you running away fr... HAIRY: AHHH! BIG BLACK DOG! LON: Oh, shit. HAIRY: AHHH! WHOMPING WILLOW! ERMINE: Hey, didn't it used to be on a totally different part of the grounds? BIG BLACK DOG: *drags Lon and Scabbers into a hole under the tree* LON: Ohhhhhhh shiiiiiiiii..... Ten minutes later, after the Whomping Willow is done flinging Hairy and Ermine around, they find a tunnel under the tree to... The Shrieking Shack LON: Help! Help! HAIRY: We're coming, Lon! LON: Don't help! Don't help! It's a trap! HAIRY: *eye roll* BIG BLACK DOG: *turns into Sirius Black* ERMINE: If you want to kill Hairy, you'll have to kill us first! HP FANS: OMGWTF TCAP WAS LON'S LINE! YOU CHANGED THINGS FROM THE BOOK! LOTR FANS: What are you, new? SIRIUS: Only one person will die tonight, but I will be vague about it so that you'll think I mean Hairy! HAIRY: BRING! IT! ON! Hairy jumps Sirius and gets his chokehold on. LUPIN [rushing in]: Hairy, no! EXPELLIARMUS! THE KIDS: Lupin! SIRIUS: Remus! LUPIN: Sirius! SIRIUS: Hug! ERMINE: Werewolf! LON AND HAIRY: What? SNIPE: BLACK! THE KIDS: Snipe! SNIPE: EXPELLIARMUS! LUPIN: Noooo! SIRIUS: Pettigrew! THE KIDS: What? SIRIUS: Map! LUPIN: Dead! SIRIUS: No! LUPIN: Yes! SIRIUS: No! LUPIN: Yes! SIRIUS: No! LUPIN: Yes! SNIPE: Christ, you two bicker like an old married couple. SIRIUS/LUPIN SHIPPERS: YAY! SNIPE: ANYWAY. Dementors' Kiss for you, Black, an I'll have no more of this monosy-- HAIRY [with Ermine's wand]: EXPELLIARMUS! EXPELLIARMUS: *for some reason does not just disarm Snipe but throws him through the wall of the Shack* LON: Oh, we are so f****** now. ERMINE: Professor Lupin! You were Hairy's friend, so I didn't tell on you for the werewolf stuff, and now you're going to turn Hairy over to Black! HAIRY: Dude, you could have told ME! SIRIUS: I don't want to kill you, Hairy! I want to kill your friend's rat! LON: WHY ARE WE SUDDENLY ON OPPOSITE PLANET? Another Trip to the Department of Back Story SIRIUS: No, no! Hairy's father and Remus and Peter and I were all best friends, except that Peter was kind of a wuss and so he went over to Valumart and I had told Peter where the Potters were hiding because I must have gone stupid all of a sudden, and I found out Peter had gone bad and he cut off his finger to make it look like I blew him up and then he blew everyone else up and left me to take the rap after Valumart killed the Potters and he's been living as the Mesley family rat ever since! See, it all makes sense! THE KIDS: ... SIRIUS: Gimme your rat! LON: No! SIRIUS: Gimme your rat! LON: No! SIRIUS: Gimme your rat! LON: No! SIRIUS AND LUPIN: *turn Scabbers back into Peter Pettigrew* LON: Oh. My. GOD. PETTIGREW: Lon! Help me! I was a good rat, wasn't I? Remember all the good times we had? SIRIUS: I think I saw a porno like that once. LON: Y'all are SICK, man. PETTIGREW: *grovels* HAIRY: You know what? Let's not kill him. SIRIUS: What? HAIRY: Let's give him to the Dementors and let them suck his soul out through his nose. SIRIUS: That’s my boy! Outside the Whomping Willow SIRIUS: I know I'm kinda scruffy and scary and all but, you know, I am your godfather and if you ever wanted to come live with me instead of your asshole relatives... HAIRY: Come. And live. With you? SIRIUS: I know, I know... forget I said anything. HAIRY: The word I am trying to think of here is OH GOD YES PLEASE NOW. A FULL MOON: *rises* ERMINE: Oh, shit. SIRIUS: Remus! This is not you! This is not your heart! I'LL MAKE OUT WITH YOU IF I HAVE TO! LUPIN: *turns into Lupinwolf* SIRIUS: Awwww, shit, Remus... *turns into Siriusdog* PETTIGREW: *turns back into Scabbers and scampers for the hills* SNIPE: *emerges to protect the kids, conveniently without ever having seen Pettigrew* LUPINWOLF: I KEEL YOU, SIRIUSDOG! SIRIUSDOG: *whimpers* LUPINWOLF: I KEEL YOU TOO, HAIRY BLABBER! HAIRY: AHHHH! FEMALE WEREWOLF: AROOOOOOOO! EVERYBODY: WTF? HAIRY: *runs after wounded Siriusdog into the woods* Somewhere in the Hogwash Woods Hairy must conjure a Patronus before the Dementors suck off Siriusdog's face. HAIRY: EXPECTO PATLONUM! PATLONUS: ... HAIRY: EXPECTO PATLONUM! PATLONUS: ... HAIRY: EXPECTO PATLONUM! PATLONUS: ... HAIRY: *cries* DEMENTORS: *dement* PATLONUS: *finally gets off his ass and prances stagfully* HAIRY: Dad! THE AUDIENCE: What? Where? DEMENTORS: Run away! We are powerless against Hairy's dad! HAIRY: *falls over* The Infirmary HAIRY: You can't let them take Sirius back to have his face sucked off! He didn't kill my parents, Peter Pettigrew did! BUMBLEBORE: ... HAIRY: And then he turned into a rat and lived with Lon's family for twelve years and turned back into Peter and then turned back into a rat and conveniently ran away so that no one can prove or disprove our story! BUMBLEBORE: ... ERMINE: You've got to believe us! BUMBLEBORE [leaving]: Three turns, Miss Granger. HAIRY: Eh? ERMINE: He means the Time-Turner I've been wearing all year to turn back time and take extra classes. LON [from hospital bed]: I KNEW IT! ERMINE: *pulls out a tiny hourglass on a five-foot chain conveniently long enough to go around two people* HAIRY: Does it have a flux Capacitor? ERMINE: Shut up and let me chain you. HAIRY/ERMINE SHIPPERS: YAY! HAIRY AND ERMINE: *disappear* THE REALLY CONFUSING PART OF THE MOVIE: *begins* Rocks of Gigantitude ERMINE: *punches Draco* DRACO'S HEAD: *bounces off the rock with a beautiful THUNK* CLEO AND THE LOVELY EMILY: YAY! CLEO AND THE LOVELY EMILY: YAY! LON: I think I love you. ERMINE: Dude, I think I love me too right now. Hafwid's Hut of Gigantitude HAFWID: Oh, by the way, Lon, I found your plot point. Looks like Ermine's cat didn't eat him after all. HAIRY: Why are we not leaving? LEAVE, DAMN US! ERMINE: *throws stones* A STONE: CRASH! ANOTHER STONE: THUNK! HAIRY: Ow! What the hell was that? HAIRY: OW! TCAP WAS MY SKULL, HOR! ERMINE: Come on, Buckbeak! Tasty ferrets! Yes! Into the woods! Hurry, before we find ourselves! Hafwid's Pumpkin Patch of Gigantitude LON: Isn't there anything we can do? HAIRY: Doesn't look like it. ERMINE: Wow, my hair is a lot less frizzy in this movie. ERMINE: What was that? ERMINE: Duck! HAIRY: Nothing, just a plot point. Come on, we've got to get out of here! HAIRY: Come on, we've got to get Buckbeak out of here! Outside Hut of Gigantitude: FUDGE: OMGWTF! BUMBLEBORE: Oh, Dead Hippogriff Walking's gone, what a pity. Hafwid, break out the brandy plzkthnx. HALF THE AUDIENCE: OMG ALCOHOL IN A CHILDREN'S MOVIE! BUMBLEBORE: It's the parents who need booze the most. Am I right? PARENTS IN THE THEATER: Damn straight, you tell 'em Albus, testify!, snap snap snap, etc. EXECUTIONER: *chops a pumpkin off-screen* The Whomping Willow LUPIN: *stops the tree, goes down into the tunnel* SNIPE: *follows Lupin* ERMINE: Well, now I guess we wait. HAIRY: It was my dad, out there in the woods! My dad came and saved me! ERMINE: Your dad's... dead, Hairy. HAIRY: Shut up, hor. A FULL MOON: *comes out* ERMINE: Oh, shit. SIRIUS: Remus! This is not you! This is not your heart! I'LL MAKE OUT WITH YOU IF I HAVE TO! ERMINE: You know, I think that counts as a marriage ceremony in Massachusetts now. LUPINWOLF: I KEEL YOU, SIRIUSDOG! SIRIUSDOG: *whimpers* LUPINWOLF: I KEEL YOU TOO, HAIRY POTTER! HAIRY: AHHHH! ERMINE: AROOOOOOOO! HAIRY: Oh, wow, so that was you? ERMINE: Apparently. LUPINWOLF: *comes for Non-Italicized Hairy and Ermine* ERMINE: Didn't think this through! Didn't think this through! Somewhere in the Hogwash Woods HAIRY AND ERMINE: *run like hell* LUPINWOLF: *almost eats them* BUCKBEAK: *delivers a four-hoof beatdown* HAIRY [grimacing]: Yow, right in the chocolate. Somewhere Else in the Hogwash Woods HAIRY: EXPECTO PATLONUM! PATLONUS: ... HAIRY: All right, here comes my dad. ERMINE: Uh, Hairy...? HAIRY: EXPECTO PATLONUM! PATLONUS: ... HAIRY: Any minute now... ERMINE: Uh... Hairy? HAIRY: EXPECTO PATLONUM! PATLONUS: ... HAIRY: *cries* ERMINE: Uh, Hairy? I'm pretty sure you and Sirius are about to die here. HAIRY: Oh, goddammit--EXPECTO PATLONUM! PATLONUS: *prances stagfully* HAIRY: Dad! DEMENTORS: Run away! We are powerless against Hairy's dad! HAIRY: OH MY GOD I'M MY OWN FATHER. ERMINE: I think I saw a p**** like that once. Some Astronomy Tower Hairy and Ermine take Buckbeak to go rescue Sirius from the tower, and decide that they apparently have time for a ride around Hogwash rather than sending him straight off to escape. HAIRY: WOOOOO! ERMINE: WOOOOO! SIRIUS: WOOOOO! BUCKBEAK: HWUUUU! Sirius Tells Hairy Goodbye SIRIUS: You look so much like your father... HAIRY: Yeah, yeah, might as well be looking at his reanimated corpse right now, I got it. The Infirmary HAIRY: Hurry! The clock's about to strike! ERMINE: You've got to believe us! BUMBLEBORE [leaving]: Three turns, Miss Granger. ERMINE: We can't go in yet! We're still in there! HAIRY: Does it have a flux Capacitor? BUMBLEBORE: *walks out into the hall* ERMINE: Professor Bumblebore! We did what you told us to do! BUMBLEBORE [winking]: I have no idea what you're talking about. HAIRY: Wait... so you're not going to hang around in the infirmary and explain the whole movie to us? BUMBLEBORE: Night! HAIRY: Wow, New Bumblebore really is groovy. HAIRY AND ERMINE: *disappear* HAIRY AND ERMINE: *run back into the infirmary* LON: You were--but the--adda--wibba-- HAIRY AND ERMINE [grinning]: We have no idea what you're talking about. LON: *cries* Lupin's Office of Woeful Packing HAIRY: Well, basically we're right back where we started, which s****. LUPIN: Except for the part where you saved the lives of an innocent convict and an innocent Malfoy-mashing hippogriff. HAIRY: Yeah, but I still have no broom, no teacher, no godfather, and no parents. LUPIN: Here, have some chocolate. Great Hall, The Next Day HAIRY: OMG A FIREBOLT! THIS BROOM IS SO AWESOME IT ALMOST MAKES UP FOR HAVING NO TEACHER, NO GODFATHER, AND NO PARENTS! ERMINE: Look what was attached to the broom, Hairy! HAIRY: Oh, wow! A feather from that hippogriff, whose escape we know NOTHING ABOUT. ERMINE: Yes! And according to my book here, a hippogriff feather means "Greetings from an escaped convict"! HAIRY: Yay! LON: And I hear they're actually going to let us play Quidditch in the next movie, too! HAIRY: WOOT! PEOPLE WHO READ GOBLET OF FIRE: *facepalm* Hairy zooms off on his new broom with the movie ending on a close-up of his artfully blurred face, perhaps to suggest in the language of cinematic metaphor that this time he is rendered blurry with happiness. Or that the camera guy can't hold the lens still. Something.
Hairy Potter
and the Urges of Firey Goblets
by The Specialist (AKA VMB)
the riddle house
Tea Kettle: Tinka Blinka, click click click, fwooshfire.
Frank Bryce: *sees light in Riddle House* Damn children…
Kettle: fwooshdoom! Frank: Huh? Kettle: FWOOSH! Frank: Oh, okay. Damn kids. *walks up to Riddle House and sees big, scary clearly-not-from-fire blue light upstairs*
Nagini: Sssth, hashaasheeheth, cha cha cha cha cha.
Valumart: Hasha, cha cha cha cha cha? Cooltail, kill the house attendant outside the door.
Cooltail: Grr, gaze into my evil MOLE of DOOM! MOLE! Cha cha!
Frank: AHH, IT BURNSSS! Valumart: Agh, you idiot! *turns towards Frank* ABRAKADAMMIT! *green flash*
*Frank dies*
Ermine, Lon n’ de Boot
Hairy: *Awakens* Ahh! Snakes, moles, ugly baby!
Ermine: Hairy, you were just having a bad dream.
Hairy: … What the hell, how long have you been sitting on my bed?
Ermine: Only a few hours.. Say, Hairy, do you ever get urges? Hairy: Dude, do you have any idea how many people ask me that in a day?
Ermine: Lon, wake up! Lon: *mumbling* but I don't see why we should split the bill evenly, I just got soup.
Ermine: WAKE UP!
Lon: Rah, cha cha. Where are we going?
Hairy: Mr. Mesley, just WHERE are we going?
Mr. Mesley: To and old smelly boot, of course. We must ride it to the World Cup.
Hairy: won't that smell awful?
Ginny: Dum****!
Fred: Idiot, gosh.
George: Hairy, do you get urges?
Hairy: ...
Mr. Mesley: Look, there's Amos Diggory, and his son, Bedrich.
Amos: I invented pants. And cookies, Amos Cookies.
Bedrich: No you didn't…
Amos: I also invented the internet. And pants.
Mr. Mesley: What the hell is a cookie?
Ermine: Look, an old dilapidated boot! Let's go feel it, rub it, squeeze it, and call it George.
Lon: LET'S DO IT!
Hairy: Yeah!
Ginny: Yeah!
Fred and George: Yeah!
Amos and Arthur: Yeah!
Bedrich: … my grand slam was supposed to come with sausage.
*all grab boot*
Boot: You may not think I'm pretty, but don't judge on what you see…
Hairy: man, wrong prop.
Boot: Oh… the sorting hat is my brother, you know.
Arthur: Don't care, fling us up into the air, grab our bowels, and shoot us off to the middle of a wizard-infested camp ground!
Boot: Hairy, do you get urges?
Hairy: no…
Boot: oh, dammit. *flies into the air with the group handing on to it.* Do you have any idea how uncomfortable this is for me?
*all people fall off*
Hairy: OMG, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEE!
Ermine: Hairy, about those urges…
Lon: FORGET THE DAMN URGES, I AM GONNA DIE A VIRGIN!
*all fall on ground*
Hairy: Lon, what are you talking about? Remember that one fan fiction on the same sex pairings section of MNFF we were in? Eh, eh, remember? You got pregnant, eh, eh?
Ermine: Dudes, look at all the groovy people with the tents and the colors and the stuff!
Arthur: let's go to the tent, shall we?
A dark Mark wherever you Fa**
In the middle of the camp grounds is the most pathetic tent you've ever seen. It is five feet square.
Hairy: how the bloody duck are we fitting in there?
Arthur: *winks at Hairy* We'll manage.
*all pile into tent, save for Hairy. After everyone gets in Hairy goes through the curtain and sees that the tent is indeed five feet square with six full-grown wizards back-to-back.*
Hairy: Yeah, I think I'll sleep outside. Gah, use magic, bitches.
Arthur: STFU, Hairy. Anyway, not a moment to waste, we need to get to the Quidditch Game! It's only a minute long, you know.
Hairy: Ahh, dammit. Come on, it would only take five minutes to do.
Arthur: Now, Hairy, I don't make the rules. You can blame that on Mike Newell.
Hairy: What a slut!
Announcer: and introducing Viktor Krun!
Krun: *waves* Haha, and world peace!
*match ends, screaming in the distance*
Lon: Heh, sounds like another Irish woman is giving birth.
Arthur: Wait, that isn't an Irish woman… it is the distinct sound of EVIL! Lon: isn't that what I said?
Arthur: everyone, get out of the tent before it explodes!
Hairy: OMG, ANARCHY! DUDE, someone trampled me and I have passed out. Soooo not cool.
Barty Crouch Jr.: MandiMooresdor!
Hairy: Wicked…
Lon: Hairy!
Ermine: Hairy!
Lon: Hairy, don't die! You never answered the question about your urges!
Hairy: I'm fine, luckily this dead, homeless muddle broke my fall.
Ermine: That's fortunate.
*from all directions* RED WOOSH, BLUE WOOSH, OMG WOOSH!
Arthur: Don't kill the red-headed one, he's my son! Take the scarred one and the one with the hair-that-should-totally-be-frizzy-but-isn't!
Barty Crouch: Which one of you conjured it? Eh, EH? You, boy, with the urges!
Hairy: Dammit, I thought I was concealing them pretty well.
Arthur: Barty, think logically… Hairy couldn't have done it, he's Hairy Potter! It would be like Hitler wearing a peace sign across his chest. It must've been Ermine.
MoM Wizard: SHE'S A WITCH! WITCH, WITCH, BURN HER!
Ermine: Technically, you're a witch too…
MoM Wizard: No… NO, SHE LIES! I am a good conservative catholic! Really, I am!
Barty: Oh.. burn him…
Hairy: Dude, it totally wasn't Ermine. It was some guy. And what is this conjured thing you speak of
Ermine: Hairy? Hairy? See the big skull in the sky with the snake slithering out of it? Yeah, that's the dark mark.
Hairy: Do you mean to say, that that mark, the one conjured by the random creepy guy, is up in the sky with a snake slithering out of its mouth?
Ermine: …
Hairy: Which must mean… TO THE BATMOBILE!
Lon: No, it's You-Know-Who's SIGN.
Hairy: I know! It's Valumart's SIGN!
Lon: NO… WAY…
The Goblet of ?Fire?
*Hogwarts Theme Music – train whistle*
MadamLadyOFood: Anything off the trolly?
Lon: Yeah, I'll have two dozen chocolate frogs, four pumpkin pasties *sniggers, haha, pasties*, eight cauldron cakes, three vats of pumpkin juice, and a cockroach cluster. *digs into pockets*… Oh, I guess I'll just have a pumpkin pasty *HAHAHAHA, PASTY!*
Hairy: I'll have what he said, but I'll actually have it, and I'll have double.
MadamLadyOFood: Alright, that will be 11932 galleons, please.
Hairy: WTF!?
MadamLadyOFood: Hey, the cost of gas for this train is expensive!
Cho: I'll have a pumpkin pasty.
Hairy: *sniggers* Pasty… Whoa, you're eyes are so pretty.
Cho: Hairy, your epidermis is showing!
Hairy: OMG, WHERE?! Oh.. bitch.
At Hogwarts
Hairy: Look, a flying carriage!
Ermine: Look, a ship in the lake… Coming from UNDER the water.. NO… WAY…
Lon: I got a rock.
Bumblebore: So, yeah foo's, I was all “GET OUTTA MY GRILL FOO, and he was all “gimme a sumtin sumtin”. And now it is my pleasure to introduce the lovely ladies of Box-Buttons!
*fluttery sounds, dancing, combined erection of all males in Hogwarts*
Ermine: *looks at Lon's pants* That is SO disgusting!
Lon: Ya think so? I'll show you mine if you show me yours, Hairy.
Hairy: I don't have a dark mark, Lon.
Lon: I know.
Bumblebore: And now the proud sons of Durm-strangle.
Girls in great hall: is it just me or is every one of the Durmstrangle people REALLY ugly?
Ermine: Krun is such a whore. Look at him and his chisled abs, his sculpted chin, and that tight ass.
Bumblebore: So, foos, Barty was all, “You shall be playing host to the Tri-Wizard Tournament this year”, so I was all, “Yeah, let's DO IT!”
Krun enters into competition
Fleur enters
Bedrich enters
Hairy doesn't..
Who Put it?
Bumblebore: And from Boxbuttons.. Fleur Delacore!
And from Durmstrangle: Viktor Krun (dude, did anyone else realize that nobody else from Durmstrangle entered?
And from Hogwarts… BEDRICH DIGGORY!
Bedrich: NO… WAY… Hairy, do you get urges?
Bumblebore: and that concludes the… OMG, THE GOBLET IS ON FIRE!
*catches random name*
HAIRY POTTER!
Hairy: if they can't see you, you're invisible, like a duck, or a penguin, or a frog, or a
Bumblebore: HAIRY POTTER, GET YO NARRAW ASS UP HERE!
Hairy: … shit
Students: cheater, traitor, liar, slut, bitch, WHORE!
*Hairy goes into inauspicious room of doom*
Bumblebore: Hairy, how did you do it?! Did you put your name in the cup?!
Hairy: Uh.. no.
Madam Maxime: Of course he did, the dirty little wanker.
Hairy: Dude… you are so… robust.
Maxime: Hairy, do you get urges?
Lon: So, it turns out that you have to do this even though you're gonna die?
Hairy: Yeah…
Lon: I hate you! I hate you and you should die! DIE!
Hairy: …
Unforgivable curses w/t Mad-eye
Cheetah Skeeter: How much does it suck to be in a tournament where it is almost certain that you will die, Hairy?
Hairy: can you tell me again why we're in a broom closet?
Cheetah: So, it's tough knowing that your imminent doom approaches with the first task of this tournament?
Hairy: when did I say anything about –
Cheetah: well, that concludes this photo shoot
Hairy: are you even listening to me
Cheetah: How precious, he craves attention.
Hairy: *looks at quick quotes quill* I do not look up to you with great admiration and suffer from urges!
Roo roo, evil classroom of doo doo, roo roo doom, Mad-eye
Mad-eye: Haha, teehee, there are three kinds of unforgivable curses. What are they? Miss Granger.
Ermine: Imperius, Death Curse, and Crucio.
Mad-eye: Yes, and why are they called that, Neville?
Neville: Uh… because they're unforgivable?
Mad-eye: Exactly, ten points to Gryffindor! Now, let's manipulate and cause emotional trauma to some cave spiders, shall we?
Neville: AHH, NO, OH ME GA… Momma? Papa?
Fans: that is in such bad taste…
Vibhu: Yeah, well… SHUT UP!
Ermine: Seamus told me to tell you that Lon said that Dobby was looking for you so he could tell you that you need to go see Parvati right away so she can tell you about what Dean wants to tell you about Hagrid needing to see you.
Hairy:… Well, tell Lon..
Ermine: BITCH, I'M NOT YOUR MIDDLE BITCH!
Hairy: *turns to Neville who is knee-deep in poop* Women. Can't live with ‘em, can't turn them into flaming piles of
Neville: gillyweed?
Hairy: Uh… I was gonna say shit, but okay.
Ahhh! Dragons in the 1st task
Hairy: Hey Hagrid, you needed me?
Hagrid: Yeah, follow me. And put on the invisibility cloak.
Hairy: Hagrid… you smell like dead fish and your hair looks awful… Are you going on a date?
Hagrid: STFU, look, dragons.
Hairy: The first task is DRAGONS?!
Hagrid: Yep.. Look, they like each other!
*dragons try to scorch each other*
Hairy: How… cute?
Hagrid: Ahh, they’re hugging!
Hairy: Hey, Bedrich, the first task is dragons
Bedrich: That totally sucks.
Hairy: Yes
Bedrich: Indeed.
Hairy: Shallow.
Bedrich: and pedantic.
Hairy: Yes
Mad-eye: if you summon it, it will come.
Hairy: Mr. Moody that is NOT the way you talk to students.
Mad-eye: I’m talking about your broom.
Hairy: GROSS!
Mad-eye: BROOMSTICK!
Hairy: EWW, OLD MAN GAY!
Mad-eye: Quidditch
Hairy: QUEERDITCH, DID I HEAR?
Mad-eye: Hairy, just summon the broom to get away from the dragon.
Hairy: Oh, okay.
Dragon: Hairy, I am so gonna kill you.
Hairy: Nuh uh, sister, I kill YOU!
Dragon: *breaks loose*
Hairy: *summons broom*
Dragon and Hairy: *fly around castle*
Hairy: *falls* Dragon: WHOOSH
Tea Kettle: WHOOSH Dragon: Hairy, do you get urges?
Hairy: NO *maneuvers and dragon dies*
Yay!
Hairy: *gets golden egg*
Hairy in common room: DO YOU WANT ME TO OPEN IT?!
Common room: YEAH! DO IT!
Hairy: *opens egg*
Cyndi Lauper: Maybe he’ll know I’m not so sure maybe he’ll know, well maybe he’ll be my cure
Collected voice of common room: CLOSE IT!
Lon: what the bloody sex was that?
Hairy: what, you talking to me now?
Lon: apparently
Hairy: cool
Random kid: Mr. Mesley, you have a package.
Lon: Oh, thank you, Nebakenezer. Wait, why didn't an owl deliver this.
Nebakenezer: I'm a producer's son.
Lon: ahh… *opens box* OMG, MY DRESS ROBES CAME IN!
Nebakenezer: *oggles*
Lon: Away with you, ya grubby little wanker.
Hairy: OOH, lemme see.
Lon: *pulls out frilly pink dress robes*
Hairy: Man, they accent your manly eyes.
Ermine: Yeah, they go especially well with your Aunt Mildred.
Ginny: Burn!
Lon: Yeah, well… You're ugly!
Ermine: Hah, you won't be thinking that when you see my cleavage later on in the movie.
Lon: Huh?
Ermine: Oh, nothing…
Shall We Dance?
McGoole: Welcome to dance classes for the Yule Ball. Everyone, line up against the wall and watch Lon dance with me. Lon, place your left hand upon my right butt cheek .
Lon: WHERE?!
McGoole: JUST DO IT!
Lon: *places hand reluctantly*
McGoole: Yeah, that's the stuff.
Lon: Dude, we need dates.
Hairy: No kidding.
Lon: Hey, Ermine, you have breasts..
Ermine: NO… WAY…
Lon: Wongobawime? I mean, if I show up alone, who cares.. but if you do? You'll look like suck an unwanted whore.
Ermine: No, I am already going, thank you very much! *storms off*
Lon: …Bitch…
Hairy: Hey, Cho.
Cho: Hello, Hairy
Hairy: Well, umm.. I know this isn't the best place to talk, seeing that it's covered in 9593 years worth of bird feces, but… I was wondering if you wongobawime?
Cho: Oh, I'm sorry, Hairy, I'm already wongobawimating with someone else.
Hairy: Oh… who?
Cho: Your mother!
Hairy: …
Cho: Say, Hairy, do you get urges?
Hairy: Not anymore, bitch.
Lon: Dude, I still haven't been able to get a date.
Hairy: Yeah, same here. Every time I ask a girl out to the ball she asks if I get urges…
Lon: Hairy, do you get-
Hairy: Stop… now.
Parvati and Padma: ‘ello, Hairy.
Hairy: Hi *thought pops up* what a sweet ass.
Parvati: Ooh,
Padma: thanks!
Hairy: Wongobawime and Lon?
Padma: That sounds
Parvati: Dashing! *both walk away*
Lon: Damn, they're creepy.
Hairy: Well, do you want to get laid or not? They are practically the biggest sluts in Hogwarts.
Lon: Good point.
Hairy: Arrives at ball.
Lon: What the hell, you just said that out loud. It's supposed to be in asterisks.
Hairy: *Oh yeah*
Lon: What, are you dyslexic or something?
McGoole: Hairy, you have to dance first with your partner.
Hairy: Uh…
McGoole: Didn't I tell you that?
Hairy: No…
McGoole: Oh.. well.. TOUGH SHIT!
Parvati: It's okay, Hairy, you can do it!
*Ermine walks down steps*
Padma: I am so hot for Ermine right now.
Lon: Me too
Padma: TOTALLY!
Viktor Krun: Turbohiney, take my hand.
Ermine: It's Her-My-Oh-Knee. Ermine.
Krun: Come, Turbohiney, we dance.
*four champions and their partners get on the dance floor*
Parvati: Hairy, grab my ass!
Hairy: Oh yeah.
*music starts playing*
Parvati: Hairy, you broke my toe!
Hairy: Oh, sorry, I was too busy staring at Ermine's boobs.
*hard rock starts playing*
Band guy: If I dance tonight, take my hippogriffin tonight. Oh yeah, tonight.
Hogwarts girls: YEAH, OMG, YEAH, I WANT MY SPRINGER BEADS!
*Dance ends*
Parvati: Are you going to dance with me or not?
Hairy: No…
Durmstrangle guy: May I take your hand?
Padma: Take my leg, head, elbow… ANYTHING.
Durmstrangle guy: *pulls out large knife*
Padma: I thought you wanted to dance!
Durmstrangle guy: No, I'm just hungry.
Lon: *mutters something about Ermine*
Hairy: …
Ermine: I am so gonna kill you.
Lon: AHH, DON'T KILL ME!
Ermine: DIE!
Lon: YOUR BOOBS ARE NICE!
Ermine: Oh, okay then.
Fans: Is this turning into a porno?
An egg in the bath is worth two in the sack
Ermine: Hairy, the task is in two days and you haven't even tried to work out the egg's clue?!
Hairy: I forgot…
Ermine: Holy shit, you're gonna die… YOU'RE GONNA DIE!
Hairy: Thanks, I can always count on you to make me feel better.
Bedrich: Hey, Hairy, go take a bath.
Hairy: Are you implying that I smell bad?!
Bedrich: Well, no, but now that you mention it… you haven't washed yourself in the books… ever…
Hairy: Good point.
Bedrich: Seventh floor, Prefect's bathroom, tickle the pear.
Hairy: Got it.
Bedrich: ...and take your egg.
Hairy: …
Bedrich: Just do it.
Hairy: *gets to seventh floor, tickles the pear*
Pear: Teehee, you tickled me.
Door: *opens* creakyeakycreaky
Bath: *gurgles*
Myrtle: *Myrtles*
Hairy: *uh... hurtles?*
Mermaid: *Mermaidles*
Hairy: *turns on bubbles* Hey, Myrtle, go away.. you are so creepy.
Myrtle: Stick your egg under the water.
Hairy: I um.. plan to.
Myrtle: No, the gold one
Hairy: I think I said that *winks*
Myrtle: the dragon egg!
Hairy: I don't mean to boast, but, hehehe.
Myrtle: Dude, the one that you stole from the dragon in the tournament.
Hairy: Yeah, that's the one I was talking about…
Myrtle: Oh, I thought you were releasing your pent-up s***** desires on me.
Hairy: *opens egg above water*
Cyndi Lauper: When the working day is done girls - they want to have fun oh girls just want to have fun
Myrtle: AHH, KILL ME AGAIN! Put it under the water!
Hairy: *puts egg under water*
Egg: Oh, you may not think I'm pretty…
Hairy: Agh, this happens too much with the talking props.
Egg: oh, right… Seek us where are voices do not s****, where we cannot drive a truck. We've taken something that you love, and I don't think that it's a glove.
Hairy: … shit.
Holy S**t! Its task 2
Ermine: So, you just have to breathe under water for about two hours.. So what, you can hold your breath.
Hairy: Erm… no?
Lon: Maybe you could get a REALLY big straw..
Mad-eye: Lon, Ermine… go jump in the lake.
Ermine: But Hairy…
Mad-eye: You leave Hairy to me!
Lon: *whispers to Hairy* If he hits on you, kick him in the n**s!
*Lon and Ermine Leave*
*Neville enters*
*Mad-eye leaves*
Hairy: Wtf… Neville, do you know how to make me breath under water for two hours?
Neville: Just eat some okra.
Hairy: That seems a bit too easy.
Neville: Well, you'll have to eat a LOT of okra…
Bumblebore: so yeah, you foos have do go find sumtin cool in the water and come out wit if first. First to come out alive doesn't s***. And off you go!
Hairy: *shoves okra down his throat*
People: *laugh*
Hairy: *dives into water*
Crowd: Haha! He's gonna die!
Hairy: OH ME GEE, NO BREATHE.. Oh wait, I have fins, gills, and a.. TAIL.. Wait, I had that before… I can stay under here forever!
Neville: Oh my God.. I've murdered Hairy Potter by accident.
Hairy: *flips out of water into air* I'm the king of the world! And I don't even need a hippogriff this time! *dives into water*
Weeds: Haha, I tangle in you.
Water: Haha, I go in through your neck flaps
Mer-People: We are so incredibly ugly :(
Hairy: *sees four people totally made out of wax attached to poles in the water.* Okay, why is Lon the thing I treasure most?
Merman: I dunno…
Bedrich: I have a big head.. BIG HEAD!
Fleur: My bubble popped.. SHIT!
Krun: I am going to EAT YOU! Haha, just kidding, I cut rope with head and take Turboninja.
Hairy: I want Lon and random blond Veela.
Merman: NO
Hairy: I kill thee!
*takes Lon and Veela up to surface*
Bumblebore: Because Fleur sucks and Krun cut Ermine's foot off while saving her, Hairy Potter gets second place for Moral Fiber!
Hairy: Effing sweet.
Everythin’s sweet if there’s somethin’ta eat
Ermine: Hairy, I'm scared for you… the third task is in an hour!
Hairy: what is with you and always pointing out the obvious?
Ermine: *hugs Hairy*
Cheetah Skeeter: aww, young love.
Fans: Uh.. wasn't this supposed to happen two tasks ago.
Vibhu: … no…
Bumblebore: Dude, the third task is a maze? What a freakin' rip! How is it harder to get through a maze than to kill a dragon?
*Mad-eye whispers something to Bumblebore*
Bumblebore: Oh, carnivorous bushes, right… Well, Hairy and Bedrich go first because they are from Hogwarts, and I am just good like that. Second goes Viktor Krun, and third goes Fleur Delacore, because she SUCKS!
*bushes start whispering obscenities*
Mad-eye: You get em, Tiger.
Hairy: Yeah… *walks into maze to instantly be confronted by a mysteriously closing bush* … shit. *starts running*
Bushes: Come to us Hairy, we love you, we want to help you, we want to KILL you.
Hairy: I swear something just like this happened to me in my second year…
Bushes: WHOOSH!
Hairy: OMG, BALLISTIC BUSHES!
Bushes: I EAT YOU!
Hairy: Nuh uh, bitch, I eat you! *grabs out fork and salad dressing* I MAKE SALAD OF YOU!
Bushes: …Shit…
Other thing, not bushes: Come to me Hairy, I will help you get the cup.
Hairy: No, I will make salad of you too!
Other thing: I am made of mist, not vegetables.
Hairy: Garden-fresh spritz!
Fleur: AHH, RAH RAH SNABBLE AHHH! *high pitched scream*
Hairy: Oh no, Fleur screaming… I'll save you!
Krun: My eyes are glazed over, I am clearly possessed. I SHALL EAT YOU!
Hairy: Oh no! Krun all ballistic, cannibalistic, crazyazy!
Bedrich: *confundalates Krun* Oh, the dramarama.
Hairy: Crazyazy
Bedrich: Snabbleabble.
Hairy: Okay, enough of that.
Bedrich: Right.
*in the distance: the cup, omg the cup*
Hairy: I fight you to it!
Bedrich: GRR! *elbows Hairy in left eyeball*
Vines: Haha, not if I trip you. *grabs Bedrich*
Bedrich: Hairy, I know I was just trying to kill you, but SAVE ME!
Hairy: Hmm… I dunno…
Vines: You don't want to save him, I want to eat him.
Hairy: No, vines, I eat you like salad! *grabs out fork and salad dressing*
Vines: …Shit…
Bedrich: Dammit, Hairy, you eat salad like a mad man!
Hairy: Well, how do you think I maintain this figure?
Bedrich: Look, the cup!
Hairy: We'll take it at the same time.
Bedrich: Okay… one – two- THREE *both grab cup*
Cup: Haha, I'm a portkey… Bet you didn't see that one coming!
He’s Back…..
Hairy: Hmm.. we're in a grave hard and my scar hurts… interesting.
Bedrich: Wow… this is cool!
Cooltail: ABRAKADAMMIT!
Bedrich: *dead*
Hairy: In the words of Darth Vader, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Cooltail: Bone of father, taken from creepy graveyard, foot of servant taken willingly, blood of enemy taken unwillingly. *chops own foot* AHH.. AHHH! WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME THIS WOULD HURT SO BAD?! AHHH! *hobbles over to Hairy, not crying anymore because chopped off appendages feel fine three seconds after choppage… everyone knows that*
Cooltail: *slice*
Hairy: *sliced* Ouch man, so not cool.
Valumart from inside rags: come here and plop me into the cauldron.
Cooltail: *plop*
Valumart: *grows, deforms, and changes into a dude with no nose* OMG, I can do the moonwalk now!
Hairy: ahh, scar burns, AHH!
Valumart: fight me Hairy, with all of my magically appearing death eaters around me!
Hairy: ANTONIOBANDERAS!
Valumart: ABRAKADAMMIT!
*wands meet, entities fly out of Valumart's wand* James Potter: Hairy, go to the cup Lily Potter: Yeah, do it Frank: My grand slam was supposed to come with sausage.. Where the hell is my tea? Am I dead?Bedrich: take my back to my father… he invented pants
Hairy: okay *discontinues cool spelly thing and runs to cup with the corpse of Bedrich with him*
Portkey: Haha, poof I go, back to Hogwarts
Valumart: Hairy, do you get urges?!
Crowd: WHOO, THEY'RE BACK!
Bumblebore: Oh, superfluous penguins, this can't be good.
Hairy: *sob* I am so effing bad at crying *sob* HE'S BACK!
Bumblebore: Who's back?!
Hairy: VALUMART!
Crowd: Oh shit…
Amos Diggory: MY SON! MY SON IS DEAD!
Fans: Is there any way possible to make that funny?
Vibhu: Nope... Really, I tried and it had more bad taste than this entire parody altogether.
Mad-eye: Hairy, come with me.
Hairy: Uh… no?
Mad-eye: Do it or I'll kill you.
Hairy: Oh, okay.
You gotta get urges!
*in Mad-eye's office*
Mad-eye: What did Valumart smell like? Did you taste him, what did he taste like? I NEED TO KNOW!
Hairy: Uh… like strawberries and garlic chicken… for both of your question.
Mad-eye's face: Gurgle gurgle
Mad-eye: Shit…
Bumblebore: *breaks into office* I so kill you.
Mad-eye/Barty Jr.: haha, Look, man, I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
Bumblebore: …
Barty Jr.: *lifts up sleeve to reveal mark*
Bumblebore: Oh, thank God.. Say, Hairy… do you get urges?
Hairy: …
The Other Years
In Hairy’s fifth year Serious Blech died and Hairy was very sad. Hairy was given the title of ‘‘The Friggin’ Chosen One’’ AKA ‘The Boy Who Lived, Bi#$%s!’
In Hairy’s sixth year Hairy found out about Horsecrushes. (Evil spirits that were created by Valumart which were actually parts of his own soul, Hairy had to destroy four of them and then finally finish the last one in Valumart). Hairy set out in the quest to destroy them. Unfortunately, Bumblebore died and Hairy was left alone with Lon and Ermine.
The Plague of Horsecrushes
In year seven Hairy, Lon and Ermine set out in different paths to destroy Horsecrushes. Ermine met up with some crazy girls who were members of the Potions Pantry -- a prominent wizard charity, the pet cause of Grittyfloor House. Potions Pantry supplied ingredients to impoverished hags and remained with them rest of her life. Lon met Michael Jackson and started singing for a band called The Stun. Lon made lot of money and started living in a big mansion. Hairy on the other hand had already destroyed three Horcrushes- one in a Rotten Banana™ and two in Chicken Eggs™. Harry met up with the ghost of Bumblebore who told him that the final Horsecrush was actually in Hairy! And that Hairy would have to kill both him and Valumart at the same time. Hairy knew his time had come and so he set out for his final destination.
Hairy went to take a p** break near the bushes and found that Valumart too was there taking a pee break. They both stared each other down during the time Valumart finished his pee. Then began the final battle, which was a bit difficult for Hairy who had to fight as well as hold his p** for not crapping in his pants.
Epilogue
I do not know how this will end but I know that I well have to die a very gruesome death. But I promise to finish Valumart until I have a single breath in my body. Goodbye Bumblebore, Lon and Ermine. And please make my bed everyday(?)I finished my pe********……
- Last Words of Hairy Blabber as written in the Hogwash Haunt
(Though how he wrote so much I cannot say)
I do not know how it ended but it is said that Hairy died a very gruesome death, but he managed to crap his pants and also get a good spell at Valumart to kil him. After that everyone’s life got as usual. Bumblebore’s ghost went back to Hogwash. Lon and Ermine had a good life in their professional careers and All the Dweath Eathers got a job in the Minisrity of Magicity.
Today, everything is normal again but everybody remembers the legend of Hairy Blabber and his estupido` friends.
THE END
(OF ALL THE HOLY CRAP)
The above crab is written by Vibhu Mohan Bajpai.. To view his blog visit www.arts-of-living.blogspot.com
